Great Energy/Burn out!

Here are photos from the Faculty of Color Appreciation Dinner (FOCAD) that happend this past Wednesday... these photos are of the people who have made an impact on my life and who inspired me regulary --- and frankly who keep in law school despite the "hardships" involved. Missing of course is Mayra -- my clinical teacher who is on maternity leave and who I MISS dearly.

I feel comfortable around all these folks in a way I can't even explain. THe other night when I was on the subway after a really really long day, someone came up to me at told me I have great energy. Honestly, this isn't the first time someone has come up and said that to me, I distinctly remember the day I left South Africa, probably one of the most emotional days of my whole life and I was sitting in some cafe in the airport lip syncing along with all my heart to Usher's Confession and a stranger came up and said that to me, you have great energy -- for no particular reason, cause he then just walked away.

I thought it was strange to hear that lately because I literally have never felt so BURNT out in my whole life. I dream of lying in sedentary states where I don't exert any mental energy whatsoever. I am not physically tired per se, but just mentally exhausted. In high school, I would skip a day of school every week just for myself and hang out at home. This year I have only skipped one day of school.... and I remember the day afterwards when I showed up I was feeling very low energy and people laughed cause they said they wished they had as much energy as me on my low energy day.

I am out of my February Slump -- I am pretty sure of it, that black cloud over me has moved away with the warmer weather and I have crossed some of the big hurdles i wanted to jump -- but when I realized I still had very very big hurdles ahead of me, like climbing a steep mountain in the next couple of weeks, yesterday the thought of it, almost made me want to give up all over again yesterday.

I love my energy, my excitement for the world, its what makes me feel like a child, that when that right song plays over the speaker I am compelled to start dancing no matter where I am, even in the aisles of Wal-Mart. But I don't like the anxious energy that has been permeating myself --mostly because I lack the concentrated energy to do the work that seems relentless.

Burn out has different components, I think there is sheer exhaustion, then there is lack of motivation and then there is also an inability to really relax because the responsibilities have not gone away. I felt on top of my game this week, I did! And I am not going to lose it, but I wish I could re-charge. My battery is low and though I get spells of that natural energy that is a part of me, I want the full fledge feeling.

And thank god for my facutly mentors and professors who remind me what an asset is the enthusiasm and energy I give to the world and that it counts for something, even if it doesn't mean I say the smartest or figure things out the best way -- even when I don't want to, this year I have been giving a lot of things my all (last year I totally didn't) and that matters for something.