Emotional Outburst

So Here are some of the photos from my Dance -- I've messed around with them on Photo Editor to see if they look "artsy." My mom says I didn't look as cute as last year, which has my fave photo which is plastered on this blog, but the dance was more peppy and I appreciated the live drumming!

What's going on with me? Well, I had an emotional outburst with my family on Saturday. And if there is anyone that can tip me over the edge, its definitely the fam -- there is something about having been emotional with your family ever since a young age that makes it easier to revert back, whereas I am very very careful never to cry or lose it in my everyday life at school or with friends. This year has been challenging in that manner, I've come close, which is why it was probably why so much was bottled up. And it all came out at the Pallisades Mall. Thank god I look like a teenager, so no one knows I am 25 and crying on my mother's shoulder should be a bit strange.

Of course my mother was worried - its hard for her to accept that her little girl with issues at 15 could still be struggling with them 10 years later. Its hard for me to accept to. When I was 15 and diagnosed with 3 types of depression and what not, I never imagined I would ever fully experience happiness or success. I am sometimes shocked to see how much I have done with my life in those ten years, how I have persevered against some challenges, how I have enjoyed myself, how I have taken risks and been independent, how I am pursuing such a academic-intensive career with 3 years of professional school. I was going to drop out of high school at one point. So a part of me doesn't want to feel like I have made no progress since I was 15.

As I constantly try to uncover what makes my life so overwhelming and mildly unsatisfying, I have entertained a million reasons and attempted a 1000 solutions.
When I watch television or the movies, I fantasize being the characters who go over the edge with drugs or alcohol cause they don't know how to deal. Sometimes, I want to become myself as a teenager, where at some point I had just given up. A part of me just wants to stop trying and stay in bed all day everyday. A part of me wants to say to hell with my responsibilities and engage in self-destructive behavior.

Even right now, I am supposed to be writing this brief for my class, and a part of me thinks, what if I just don't do it. What if I make no excuses but I just continue sleeping, watching TV and blogging and say to hell with it all. Do i have time to "do it at the last minute." Do I have the drive or concentration?

Motivating myself to do my simple tasks in the day and feel any sense of accomplishment from them literally feels like pulling teeth.

The only solace people give me is "you're almost done with this year." -- "its only a 1.5 years left, you are halfway through." yada yada yada.

I know I can't give up. Not yet. Its like the episode of Gray's Anatomy where Meredith lets herself drown. Eventually she has to choose not to give up. I am desperately trying to stay firm in that choice.