Perhaps I toggle back and forth on being a negative or positive person, I think for the most part I am a positive person whose eyes are open to the negative realities of this world, and my drive to make postiive change in this world is where I ultimately know I am optimist.
In my personal life, I want to be an active person for change, I want to be optimistic and simlultaneously accepting of the limits of my current life, but, i find it frankly frusturating. Do I have too high expectations of my life? or too high expectations on myself to work out how to make everything wonderful?
I had this amazing time in Florida. I was exactly the person I know that I am. I engaged in the type of friendships that were easy and rewarding. I acknowledged my hardship without taking my life too seriously.
Here, I devolve into a mess too easily. My good friendships are tainted by the ones that have failed and now make it so I feel like I can't trust anyone. My accomplishments are tainted by the scholarship that I get summarily rejected from and I feel like future opportunities will be closed off for me. My workload progress is tainted by the one assignment that I can't motivate myself to do and I feel like i'll never have the satisfaction of completion.
My dance performance yesterday which was so successful - I nearly allowed to be tainted by 2 little tiffs where I lost my temper with friends who hardly hold it against me.
There is no zen where there is no perspective.
In NY, I sweat all the small stuff.
Everything is large and looming and meaningful in a bad way.
What I need more than the zen of chaos, is the zen in stability.
I am jealous of the people who detach themselves from situations and maintain a calm and cool.
When I seem too calm or cool - I appear sad and depressed. I am.
I fantasize about this other Reena, this unphased by the world around me girl.
Have I ever been that girl? With chaos yes, with adversity, I can be strong and calm and still fun.
I want to enjoy my life, I want to feel happy and satisfied and I want to let the moments where its not working, not TAINT it all, to be unphased and calm in my micro-universe.
| You Can Change Your Life, But It Won't Be Easy |
 You really, truly want to change. You're just not sure that you can do it. You need a solid plan, supportive friends, and a strong will. Think about times you've made hard changes, and what you did to get through them. A change is in your future - you just need a little help getting started. |
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