Ruby Soho

It was a New Year's party, perhaps my ninth grade year of high school. We were prohibited by the hostess from drinking, which didn't bother us nearly as much during the earlier days because most were just pothead teenagers and we hadn't quite graduated to the age of 16 where the local drive thru liquor store, the "brew threw" offered us unlimited 40s and Mad Dog 20/20 Strawberry Kiwi. I wore my generic grungish outfit of the counter-culture hey-day, it matched my teenage angst and was thrown together from the cheaper bits and pieces my parents and recycled clothes cause my parents didn't throw down for the pair of bulldogs sold at Urban Outfitters -- some oversize bugle boy jeans and a black shirt and some chunky jewlery. Always black, -- black very black. I wasn't a pretty girl, by any means, but my popularity was abound and I was well liked by all factions of the crowds cause I was "cool." Didn't matter that I was part of the intense science and math magnet cause i didn't seem to care too much about school. The boys loved me cause i was one of the boys and would joke and was easygoing.

And there was THE BOY. The boy i secretly desired more than anything in the world but was too afraid to even admit it to myself. For he was far out of my league. And even though he dared to be friends with me despite his aloof nature from everyone else, especially ladies --- given the historical lack of attention or interest by boys in me as anything but a friend, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of liking him. The percentage chance of rejection was so high that is was a silly crush to even allow myself to feel. And starting with this party, this new years party, we had a tendency to disappear at PARTIES. He was a hermit - so that made sense, and me, i have a lonely side - loner side. And in those moments we disappeared we were able to connect and care for each other in a strange and unsual way. As we skidded through the ice of an empty parking lot, playing a game of hide and go seek, it was the kind of human connection that at 14 makes the adrenaline in your body rush. We ran past by the empty buildings in Bethesda, MD, as if it was a game of endless entertainment. Walking inside to the party we sang the lyrics to Rancid's Rubysoho at the top of our lungs, "Destination Unknown ---Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Soho." And sitting together squished up on a couch, just the familal touch of leaning on someone like that brightened you up and re-played in your mind for weeks to come.

And it was my secret. For years, the way The Boy made me feel, each time we disappeared. I never told anyone.

I don't remember what we talked about. But we could talk for hours. (Although all teenagers can talk for hours). I don't know how 13 years later he can write me an email and in my heart, he still feels like the only person who understands that lonely girl that I am.

The Boy and I we tried to do the teenage romance thing and it failed miserably. The roles of highschool boyfriend and girlfriend didn't really work for us. I didn't want to hold hands or kiss goodbye in public. I didn't want to integrate him into the world of my other friends. We were better at disappearing together. Neither of us knew how to fit the convention of romance with the unconventional connection that binded us. And in the end, I ran away cause I couldn't care for him and salvage my own shaky health at the same time.

I've never repressed my feelings quite like that since. And I've felt different, interesting things for people, I dare say I've even been in love. I never really figured out how to be anyone's girlfriend but I am not sure I've ever really wanted to be anyone's girlfriend. But I ache for that kind of human connection I shared with the Boy, for that respite from loneliness. I miss having someone know exactly what the loneliness feels like.

Its time for me to disappear to my destination unknown. And its time to keep it all a secret. Thank you to all the people in my life who have tried. But the only way for me to handle the lonliness is to be alone.