Anxiety

Anxiety is a totally new emotion for me. I just started to experience it this year. Its not worry or stress --- I actually am fairly well equipped to deal with those, although they are exhausting -- well mostly stress. I am not a worrier, just a depressive which a hard distinction for anyone to understand except maybe me. But anxiety is this totally whole new thing for me. I feel anxious and I have no idea what about. I have a hard time falling asleep, and sometimes I toss and turn through the whole night which is very strange for me. Then my body gets run down and I end up taking four hour naps during awkward parts of the day. Something feels unsettled. I can't quite relax. Am I anxious about getting my diploma? about bar review? about moving to Thailand? Yes & No. I do have this paranoid fear i am not going to get my diploma, but I have this illogical arrogance that I'll be okay for the bar despite my lack of reviewing and Thailand is so far away of a concept in my head right now that I am not really thinking about it at all.

I wanna be in suburbia. I found such zen in just the short-lived 36 hrs I spent at my father's house. Where there feels like there are plenty of hours in the day. Where I can ponder and reflect with the time, space and noursihment. Where I can relax. Where I can drive my car to see a movie and waste time like a teenager - walkin around tanglewood with my car parked to smoke a cigarette like the delinquent i still am. I feel that in MD, in Storrington, in New Delhi. Or the beach. The ocean is good for my soul.

Not in NY. NYC makes me anxious and exhausted. I feel I just bounce between the two emotions all day. I want to recharge. I don't need to be totally lethargic, the studying does't seem so burdensome... but someone tell me how to unravel this anxiety.