"The Real World" & Ani

so.... i will admit, at nearly 27 I still watch MTV, worse yet, I still watch MTV's the "Real World." I remember as a teenager, watching in awe of the cool, interesting and unique lives of these individuals and judging them with fascination. Then there was the point where I grew older than most of the characters or at least the same age, and looked at how young, immature and hand-picked they were to have their issues and sexuality exposed for our entertainment. The people became more and more dislikable, and I did not identify with any of the "characters" and the days where I thought it would have been cool to audition, because I too was a "unique" character with issues were well over and there was no way I would ever want to walk into such a volatile and annoying environment.

Yet I still watched. And i still do. And this will sound awful, but I get a perverse sense of comfort from watching the train wrecks on television. To see them struggle, makes my own struggles seem less dramatic and I feel like less of a failure in life. And i know my demons, especially in their active state, make me feel like a failure. Like today, Saturday night, only 5 days away from finishing law school and I think that I am about to throw it all away right now because I can't mobilize and motivate myself into the motions to get to completion, I am draggin myself, I am crawling, I am pulling my teeth out.

So I stop to watch the "Real World" and I've got to think, even with the hardship I've faced in the past months, I am pretty together and I should be proud. Remember that blog entry when I was proud? But I want to be really and authentically proud so thus I want to be finished. So why can't i just finish? God, I need to stop hating myself, its just a waste of energy and a downward spiral.

I am listening to an old mix CD made of Ani DiFranco songs that I listened to religiously in high school when I was coping, which I STILL think was WAY harder than the tasks before me now. Where is that strength that carried me through? How can I find it? What do i need to do?

My friend talked to me about "Saturn Returns" and that this will happen between 27-31 (maybe I am having it a little prematurely) and the confusion and that i will find my way and it will all click and that every milestone won't destroy me. That this juncture requires a "different strength" so i can't draw on my culmative strength of adolescenc and post-adolescence, i need to build an adult strength to do the mundane and not just put out the fire of dramas and chaos. ugh.

i hate it. my sister left by 10:30 am. I cleaned until 12:30 pm. I napped until 4pm. I ate, showered and had tea. I "started at 6pm" but i didn't accomplish anything. I broke at 8:30pm for dinner. iwatched 2 episodes of the real world. I was going to start at 10 pm but then i freaked out. I got a pep talk from Sonia. I started blogging at 10:30 pm, twelve hours later. Its almost 11pm.

Fuck you and your untouchable face.

I miss my natural drive. I am afraid its gone. I am afraid that watching the Bold and Beautiful has become the only highlight of my day and that my ambition for anything more is gone gone gone.

Cause everyone is a fucking Napoleon.

God I hope I find Zen, peace and redemption in Thailand.

The world is my oyster and the road is my home... and I know that I'm better offf, I'm better off alone.