Feb Slump

Well i am blowing myself to Boca, Boca Ratone, FL tomorrow instead of Bermuda, but I get to be with Mary Anne & Gabe, the oldest friends I have so I am super-psyched, and I am leaving all work here.

So the joke goes that I always always have a February Slump, ever year its my worse month, but this past month has been brutal. I am perpetually confused at how I can get so low & depressed when I have literally cut all the drama in my life -- which in my previous worlds use to be the predominant source of my unhappiness.

The cold has taken a toll on me ---- that's for sure, so many weeks below freezing has a severe affect of my mood. Stress added on, and I started to feel claustraphobic in the clinic space at law school, the one place that had been my safe zone was now poisoned with what seemed like a never-ending pile of work and managing expectations.... a friend who seems me at a bad time of day tells me I look like i have been generally miserable.

I dyed my hair black a couple of weeks ago, I sort of just needed the time out ot sit at a beauty parlor, and I went to see my mom and my sister and got knitting needles and started knitting at any breathing point -- i thought it would help de-stress...

I am still doing yoga, and preparing for my dance, and working on issues i care about, and even with my new year's resolutions and minor changes, I feel like i often dread every single day -- its all very gloomy.

There is a fire in me, that sometimes when I get a moment to feel it again --- its bittersweet cause I realize how rarely I get to engage in that feeling -- whether its singing at the top of my lungs in a car, or dancing with a belly dancer, or buying runts at the movie theater, or having someone tell me that I have spark and am fun to be around and give me a high five (even if it happens to be my con law professor!) --- I feel better. I am scared that what bothers me about law school more than anything is me, I feel so one dimensional here, and even if my other dimensions are like lame, like just a wild dancer, or a addicted to bad television, or whatever it is --- I miss them. I also miss just feeling comfortable, like not being acutely aware of who I am and how people are reacting to me. Its the same common theme, I wonder why I even continue to blog about it other than the diary release of it all.

I am going to go somewhere this summer and explore what it means to pursue a career but outside the hellish confines of this society--- i need to decide if being a lawyer is just to much a sacrifice of my own personal balance to make it all worth it.