I hate stability!!!!

I hate stability soo soo much. Right now, I want something to change, anything to change!!!!! Its not that I am bored but life is so predictable! And there are these horrible moments that I must endure and they are sooo small, so so small, but I can't avoid them and I just wish I could run and try something new that would make me feel uncomfortable in a totally different and thrilling way and not like I have reverted to a scene of high school, where the popular girls are snubbing me and my ears are bleeding because of all the bad stuff they are saying (and thinking if they don't complete their sentences but inferences are easy to draw) and I am trying to pretend I am better than that and that my new clique is cooler. I have no clique anyhow. And I am not cooler. I just feel like a misfit. Somehow this stage of life has made me into either a snob or an outcast, maybe not to the naked eye but definitely on the inside.

I asked my friend the other day, why is it that we need validation from the people we like the least. Why is it that I sit in a classroom, I am thinking how everything I hear is either naiive or uninformed or lacks critical thinking and but when I speak I lack confidence, and am overwhelmingly relieved when someone says "good comment" or "I appreciated your point."

I use to not care, at all.... I still don't. . My dad blames my capacity to empathize, its like I can identify all the worlds tiny little pressures and I can analyze them, and I can pinpoint all the ways people act and intentions and how they feel and I how I feel... BUT THEN at the end of the day, I always just go my own and do whatever the hell I want and disregard everything that came from my painstaking analysis. I dont' care what people think. But I feel like I do. Isn't that dumb?

When I have been on my own in a different country, all alone and just sorta battling it out I have more respect for myself. I find myself fondly looking back at earlier struggles and being like "wow that younger Reena was such a fighter and handled it so well."
And now I look at myself and I am like, wow you are so stupid, you let all this stupid stuff affect you, you can't make the positive changes in your life that you have been fighting for, you can't even find a good circle of new friends to depend on, and you are sweating all the wrong things when you are blessed with so many amazing successes and work and etcetera.

So anyways, I am done ranting about it all. I feel like I am stuck in this circle of dissatisfaction because of the stability around me. I would even like to dislike something new. Be unhappy about something else. Better yet would be to get excited about someone new, abotu someplace new, about anything.

Its a long year.... thank god for the Immigrant Rights Clinic, my beautiful comfortable bed, and my sisters. Thank god for breaks at the anthem apartment with DVR, a gym, and free breakfast. Thank god for John Legend's Heaven Only Knows and thank god for Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa and my stripey H&M sweater that reminds me of my friends. Thank god for Nick's ten thousand text messages, and Njoki's never ending conversations, Sonia's improptu meals, plans with Annie, Mandy's banter, and Dustin's enthusiasm, Jen's active listening & edits, Heidi's cheerleading (raise the roof) and talking to Mayra on the phone like and old girlfriend. Thank god for Marcia's Sushi & Therapy and Katie's 3 hour convos and Dan & Carlin's easy to work with styles. And that god for Families for Freedom Members and their stories that clench my heart and my client for fighting the good fight for immigrant domestic workers.

You know, its been a good week after all. It really is.

Now time to get my nine hours of sleep and write like a machine this weekend.