I don't want to be exceptional!

Of course I want to be exceptional, doesn't everybody? But I want to get over it. I desperately, desperately wish I didn't. Not because I get mad when I feel ordinary... but ever since I have been young, when I don't meet these stupid stupid goals I set for myself, I beat myself up to a pulp. And its all internal. The problem is that law school, the internal mixes with the external pressures. Or maybe its just school. Like this idioic external pressures or standards fuse with me and I get even more mad at myself for feeling inadequate by someone else's assessment other than my own.

And I am tired about talking about it. I am tired of re-visiting the same analysis of insecurity that I reach over and over again. I am tired of letting a small scenario allow me to undermine my sense of self worth. God, are these the remnants of my adolscent issues?

And this environment is horrifying. Cause I don't think I care so much about being exceptional other places. Or maybe I have a rosy picture of my life in other times or places. Gross, see I can't believe I am even having this conversation with myself. I love feeling normal, but perhaps normal in law school = mediocre. Which is the problem. All of a sudden, a grade like a B equals stupid as opposed to normal and w/in the mean. It distorts everything. Its like a warped world whereby if you are not exceptional, you cannot survive, you cannot get a job, you cannot do the work you want to do, you cannot succeed. And I believe it. From time to time, I am convinced that unless I can hold on to some way or shape or form that I am exceptional, I am totally screwed. And that's what makes me so illogically sensitive to signs that I am doing okay but not doing "amazing." Which is why I crave validation. Gross. This whole conversation disgusts me.

I used to be, and somewhere deep down inside, I am so pig headed and faithful that everything in life will work out as long as I stay committed to my values and work hard and maintain self aware. And I just want to re-discover that part of me right now. I want to go or be somewhere where I can re-align myself with perspective, and pull myself out of the warped universe.