So Finals time always causes me to blog more often, cause frankly I am not as busy and far more bored. I have escaped to the retreat of my sister's Manhattan abode to watch endless amounts of television in a much appreciated mind-numbing fashion. As I was flipping through the DVRed programs, I put on the Bilboard Music Awards where I forwarded through most things uninterestedly but of course paid full fledged attention to the performance by Mary J. Blige. And its not just that I am an avid slow jam fan, Mary's been with me since I was only 9 years old with What's the 411 Album on Cassette and been signing on strong since then, her 9 awards on the show a testament to her stamina.
The reason I am and always will be a Mary fan is because of the amount of emotion she delivers with her performance and her song. Though she doesn't have the best voice and range or whatever, she puts herself into her song and expresses a "realness." A wave of emotion has come over me the past two days - to a weird degree where instead of pushing it away and focusing on the task at hand, I have actually had the time just to sort of sulk like a teenager. The emotion has been more real in the past few days than it has been in a long time. My body actually feels it. Sometimes I think my discontent is muted and comes out as words but doesn't ever have the intensity it did when I was young. Granted that intensity took me to dangerous places, at least some intensity makes me feel alive. And as I have listened to folks advise me how to get through my bad mood today, I sort of tuned it out and let listening to Mary and seeing her perform reminds me how powerful it can be just to feel. And to acknowledge it.
I miss traveling so much sometimes it hurts. And sometimes I don't even really know what I miss at all. I don't even know what "traveling" means. Yesterday I went to have dinner in DUMBO, over in a part of Brooklyn, next to the river that looks towards the landscape of Manhattan, and the water had this calming effect on me and I felt that slice of zen. That zen that has been with me in Kerala, in Goa, in Zanzibar, in Greece, in Phang-Nga, in Boca. Its just scary on days, days like this when I am supposed to be studying for my property exam, and I have no idea how what I am doing now is taking me anywhere I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be. I get lonely but I miss beng on my own. I came to law school with a clearer idea than most people of what I want to do, but I probably know where I will be far less than most people. My mentor thinks I should work at a place in DC this summer. I was so excited that she tapped into the type of issues I care about. But then I almost cried the night we talked about the place. I wanted to go away this summer, not back "home." But I also want to keep learning thing useful towards being able to build a career.
And its great to sit and think and struggle with the questions that plague so many twenty somethings... and there is something comforting about being in transition but horrible to be in a professional school in that transition. But today when I was emotional or whatever I was --- Its not some intellectual dilemma struggling in my brain. In fact when I stare into space, nothing is weighing on it. I am just sad.
And when Mary sings, she helps me feel sad to her song, not because the lyrics means something to me or relate to my life and my struggle. Its just because she struggles. And I struggle sometimes too.
selected LYRICS from MY LIFE
Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease
And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
....
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
The reason I am and always will be a Mary fan is because of the amount of emotion she delivers with her performance and her song. Though she doesn't have the best voice and range or whatever, she puts herself into her song and expresses a "realness." A wave of emotion has come over me the past two days - to a weird degree where instead of pushing it away and focusing on the task at hand, I have actually had the time just to sort of sulk like a teenager. The emotion has been more real in the past few days than it has been in a long time. My body actually feels it. Sometimes I think my discontent is muted and comes out as words but doesn't ever have the intensity it did when I was young. Granted that intensity took me to dangerous places, at least some intensity makes me feel alive. And as I have listened to folks advise me how to get through my bad mood today, I sort of tuned it out and let listening to Mary and seeing her perform reminds me how powerful it can be just to feel. And to acknowledge it.
I miss traveling so much sometimes it hurts. And sometimes I don't even really know what I miss at all. I don't even know what "traveling" means. Yesterday I went to have dinner in DUMBO, over in a part of Brooklyn, next to the river that looks towards the landscape of Manhattan, and the water had this calming effect on me and I felt that slice of zen. That zen that has been with me in Kerala, in Goa, in Zanzibar, in Greece, in Phang-Nga, in Boca. Its just scary on days, days like this when I am supposed to be studying for my property exam, and I have no idea how what I am doing now is taking me anywhere I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be. I get lonely but I miss beng on my own. I came to law school with a clearer idea than most people of what I want to do, but I probably know where I will be far less than most people. My mentor thinks I should work at a place in DC this summer. I was so excited that she tapped into the type of issues I care about. But then I almost cried the night we talked about the place. I wanted to go away this summer, not back "home." But I also want to keep learning thing useful towards being able to build a career.
And its great to sit and think and struggle with the questions that plague so many twenty somethings... and there is something comforting about being in transition but horrible to be in a professional school in that transition. But today when I was emotional or whatever I was --- Its not some intellectual dilemma struggling in my brain. In fact when I stare into space, nothing is weighing on it. I am just sad.
And when Mary sings, she helps me feel sad to her song, not because the lyrics means something to me or relate to my life and my struggle. Its just because she struggles. And I struggle sometimes too.
selected LYRICS from MY LIFE
Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease
And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
....
Take your time
Baby don't you rush a thing
Don't you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
1 comment:
Mary is my girl. And so are you. Hang in there.
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