So Much To Say!

Hmmm... so it won't let me upload photos, but the at least the Blogger Ban is gone in India! Yes, it seems that the government in its attempt to shut down terrorist operations, banned not only the websites of the suspected wrong-doers but all of blogspot itself!!! For one week I could not access my website to show my new friends I had made on my travels... but alas its back and running.

Good News: I had a wonderful time in Bangalore, Uttar Pradesh (Allahabad and Varansi), where I went to trainings for work -- the trainings are a great experience and along with the time I had in Coonoor have been the heart of my experience here in India this summer. Its a chance for me to truly interact, bond with people and learn hands-on and means i am not just staring at a computer in the office the whole day. Especialy by the last training, I feel a huge part of the project, i know the ins and outs... the only question that I constantly wonder, where do I really fit in to contribute?! I got to go on a fact-finding mission with human rights monitors, its a rather long story I would like to share another time but it is tough work, finding and travelling to victims, winning their trust, conducting interviews, piecing together stories, ensuring accuracy, getting informaiton from authorities. The plan is that the fact finding mission reports will be sent to NYU for editing and legal advocacy -- hopefully I will play a role then. My manuals for these trainings are still pending rounds of editing (only to be done by busy exec director), and don't look ready for publishing anytime in the near future, though are mandated as part of the EU funding (in proposal). It was great to particpate with the monitors this time, last time i was more of an outsider documenting, it was very helpful to speak Hindi although I would like to take some proper classes to improve my ability to communicate more complicated thoughts which somtimes don't make sense in translation.

I made 2 wonderful friends, Moosa and Saba who work in the office in UP, Moosa who calls himself a human rights activist and speaks of feminism (& constantly evaluates whether his behavior is partiarchal) and corporate NGOs - helped me feel more engaged and committed to my field. Moosa is also victim of police torture, having been false imprisoned for 32 days after assisting a family find protection in his home (very complicated story). Saba is 23 and tiny girl with a small voice, whose assertiveness and courage to take on issues and go to the field (in arguably one of the most dangerous states in India) is absolutely inspiring and together we laughed and joked and also discussed some of the more serious side of the issues.

Bad News: after a lovely time in Delhi with my aunt,uncle, cousins and grandmother, me my cousin and aunt all came down with some terrible sickness. I have been sick since I landed in Madurai, I have a lower respitory infection and still warding off a fever for the fourth day! Next week is my last for the internship, and with all my work up in the air, and my executive director again off travelling and impossible to be in touch with.... I am stuck in between work and feel like I am just killing time. Its from high to low. Being back in the office, makes me homesick for the north indian culture where i feel more a part of things and generally feel a greater sense of warmthness. Madurai feels just like a stop between my trips, more of a transitional place, and though i like my friends in the office very much, we generally bonded on our travels and do not spend much time together in Madurai outside of the office. I hang out with roomates in the flat who are nice, but the bond isn't quite the same as it has been with others. Ironically, i feel like my life here lacks any real responsibility to anyone and although its been a pleasant break away, there is something ultimately unfulfilling about it.

So on one hand during my trainings I felt a bigger part of the project - one participant, a human rights monitor, wrote a poem in Hindi and sang about all the staff and said "like earning money is necessary for living, like the grandmother is important to the people of the village, Reena is important to India." which flattered me terribly and despite all the flaws I know my place in the future will continue to be with human rights based NGOs. On the other hand i still feel small and unimporant. Its a familiar feeling, I know it well. I have felt in some way wherever i worked. I mean in some ways sitting in front of experienced lawyers discussing the issues i felt a sense of humility, i had stuff to say, but I am no expert on these areas and this internship is more of an exposure and learning as part of my training. But no matter how much i say that to myself, I still feel frusturated by my own limitations. I hope my experience in Immigrant Rights Clinic this year will kick that feeling, or even my leadership positions.

Moosa told me I am good human rights activist, i am still not sure why, what I have done to prove it. And I told him that despite my frusturations, human rights is my religion and i don't know how to dedicate myself to anything else so I will eventually figure it out where i fit in. I know if i can find something i care about with my work, i could live anywhere under whatever conditions. I feared that.. in law school, maybe i lost that... and now the enticements are even stronger.. the disparities in lifestyles between me and me peers will get even larger... and it will be hard for me to defend my position or even explain it - and despite the "sexiness" of Human Rights (its current glamour).... its got a different meaning in law school then it does to someone like Moosa and I am aiming to stay on the right side.

The good news is that I am still the person I think I am, whatever doubts going through the second adolescence of law school raised for me, about myself, my insecurities, whatever you wish to call them, I think my time here has helped me bury them again. I hope to start the next school year, when I do (there's no rush!!!) with my perspective, confidence 100% in tact.