Quest for Independence

Happy 4th of July! It has actually always been my most detested holiday in the US after a period of like 7 years of the worst days ever, so its nice to observe the holiday from abroad. Anyhow, this past Sunday I trekked over to the only other tourist attracion in my small town of Madurai on than the Meenakshi temple (which is quite impressive, i posted a picture earlier) which is the Gandhi Memorial Museum where I learned a little bit about the history of Indian Indepednece. And with the inevitability of the converstaion in India concerning my own plans for marriage, my mind has converged on the idea of my own quest for independence.

As always, it is a major concern being a female on my own, especially in India, but sometimes also as a foreigner, unable to speak the language (Tamil) I can't help but explore my own inhibitions and get mad at myself! Like if I let myself be lazy because I don't want to take the bus by myself to the railroad station to buy cereal. I always see these women in my life who seem unphased by such concerns, whether it was my friend Xochitl in Thailand or Gayathri in India, and I am overcome with jealously. Not to say that others might not see me as being brave and fiercely independent, there are times when I still find it daunting. Perhaps its the kind of challenge I keep chasing in my life, like I feel like I constantly have to prove to myself how self-sufficient I am. (Part of appeal of travelling to new unknown places). Not to say that I don't need anyone, I've come to terms with the fact that even though as I've gotten older I've grown to enjoy my solitude, I undoubtedly enjoy the company of others --- so being on my own also means knowing how to easily forge relationships and be resourceful as well. Well that can also be intimidating cause sometimes its a luck of the draw the people for me as to whom I encounter. So ultimately I still feel like I have to show the world how happy I can be totally by myself. I feel its like this chip on my shoulder that gets grossly exaggerated when I am abroad.

I tell people in India, to their shock that I am not really the marrying type. After getting to know me, many people agree. I think somewhere deep down, marrying would be this ultimate defeat for me. Like I can't imagine needing someone in that way or depending or compromising. And I think of marriage as total seperate concept than love. I know I can love, but could I commit? I know I shouldn't try to answer such questions until i meet someone but I do wonder how extensive my obsession to be indpendent is.

I leave tomorrow for about 16 days of travelling with work. I also have about 2 weeks after my internship ends Aug. 4th where I intend on exploring Kerala on my own. I am looking forward to the challenge of being on my toes to do this on my own.

Sitting in the office here, I often feel under-exploited as an intern here, not thinkin on my toes at all! ... unlike my other jobs where they always start to pile on work once they see I am capable or teaching where i had students holding me accountable - I feel very lethargic in India. This is because i report directly to a very busy Executive Director, who hasn't had a chance to review my work or properly give me a new assignment, I feel like I am not doing that much... the things about internships are that they are supposed to be "learning experiences" which as part of my legal coursework the exposure to Indian law and the tons of human rights framework, focusing on torture is great, its much better to learn like this for me than by sitting in class. But I am not getting that satisfaction of feeling like I am doing something productive for the universe that I seek when working rather than being a student. I still want to give a service to someone! Maybe when I grow up...

But the thing about being unproductive in India that I can appreciate, is just how the time I spend here helps bring me a little closer to the country, and little closer to the culture, a little closer to a different way of life, a little closer to the field. And with the friends in my flat and people at work, that all is happening as it should, so I can relax cause at the end of the day I do feel like my time here is well spent! (i had far worse concerns of unproductivity my first semester of law school)

Lots of love,
Reena