To Like or Not Like

So - I've had a taxing week... I finished my first trial, I had to pour every ounce of energy and focus into preparing and afterwards had a bit a of a stress hangover and am just starting to recuperate from the exhaustion.  Then as I pushed towards the end of the week, I found out I passed the MD Bar, another accomplishment to celebrate.  And for the celebration, I had an opportunity to spend time with a person who had piqued my interest.   I liked the attention he had paid to me, the sense of care and affection but at the same time I didn't know if what that meant to me.  I am cautious because I know my own interest in people can be fleeting.  And I've been feeling a pretty needy, feeling like I've had to shoulder a lot of the challenges of this year on my own, without the kind of unconditional support one would have hoped from my family or colleagues/bosses.

After waking up, feeling good that there might actually be a real possibility for chemistry from my side, I got extremely scared of that I've misread the whole situation and that there is no chance for reciprocity.  Convinced that he probably likes my friend and not me, and I've only been an excuse for him to hang out with her, that she's uncomfortable with the attention he's giving her, so she's trying to divert it to me.  I am not sure if all this fear and insecurity is a sign that my interest is deep and real, or if my intuition is cautioning me against getting my hopes up for something that will be a disappointment.

All the stress, fatigue, my medical problems, the periods of depression and emotion, its all confusing me.  I feel like I can't trust my feelings.  I am scared to want anything good for myself.  I am scared to even think its a possibility.  I don't like the guys who make themselves too available, who are ready to pursue me before I even feel I have an idea of who they are or who I am.  I like to flirt, i like the attention, I like to be the one in control.  I also like a chase.  But its been awhile since I wanted anyone, since I've even entertained the idea of being in a relationship.  My life was asking too much of me, like i said my hierarchy of needs, dating goes at the very top and I never seem to get past basic needs to think about stuff like intimacy.  After everything that has happened this past year, there is a part of me that is scared of being vulnerable, that I would fall apart if one more thing went awry, even something I didn't have,  and I should just give up on this idea and focus on a friendship knowing what to expect.  But the chance for something more is always inopportune, so its hard to know. It's hard to know.  I guess I just have to be patient and see how everything unfolds with time and know that a broken heart can't break me after everything I've been through.