Okay -so I would have to say that I haven't really been blogging much over the past few years. I feel like I have my first moment of quiet since all the upheaval in the past few months and with so many thoughts brewing in my head - and none of my close friends around, I would return to writing as a means in which to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Over the years, people have praised the virtues of journaling for self-development and maintenance but somehow I haven't been able to carve out the time or discipline, but sure enough the procrastination of studying brings me right back to my blog!
I never really used my blog to explore the extent and depth of the toxicity in my last work environment, however I think the impact it had on my viewpoint is clear. There was not a whole lot to understand or come to terms with it - it was just bad all around and a question of how to withstand it without getting too scarred. My friends and family were privy to all my grievances - and how it pushed me over the edge. But the part where I am at now, the transition is a less clear cut topic. I got out - that's the important part. I am here in my new apartment in Washington D.C. -two weeks of my new job under my belt and I feel good for the most part about the changes I've made in my life. I have that overwhelming sensation of being scared to be happy or just content -it's like when my Mom would always tell me if you praised your good fortune outloud - you would jinx it and something bad would be around the corner (unless of course you knock on wood).
I think a part of me has come to terms once again about how life is just a series of trade offs and nothing is perfect. I knew the job I was taking was far from perfect -the salary was a little too low, I wasn't necessarily excited about practicing family law- given that it wasn't something I had envisioned for myself (far from workers rights or attacking immigration enforcement), it tends to be low on the prestige hierarchy and has been known to be emotionally taxing. But I understood that there were benefits to be had from accepting this position and ultimately it still fit very squarely within the role I seek to play as a lawyer. I accepted that the biggest change from taking a low salary would be my inability to live alone, but I am so far finding having a roommate not only to be totally do-able but surprisingly nice. Moving from to DC to NYC in the eyes of the general public, is to go from the "exciting" to the "lame" - without the benefit of a cheaper lifestyle. However, I have a group of some of my best friends from my entire life here and a positive relationship with the city from my youth and was looking for somewhere with at least a somewhat more laid back lifestyle than NYC. I also never anticipated staying in NYC for the long haul. So while I am generally feeling good about the aspects of my life that at face value seemed like "less than ideal," I am also scared about the potential for my life to once again go terribly wrong.
I am scared that my boss will write me off and not like the way I approach the work. I am scared that my living situation will go awry and either I'll find myself at odds with my roommate or landlord and end up in limbo again. I am scared that even with so many good friends around me, everyone will have other priorities and I'll end up lonely and bored. I am scared that at a time where I feel like I am finally, yes finally, ready to be open to a serious relationship in my life, I won't meet anyone I feel any type of connection with. I am scared that my father and I will not be able to get past the last series of fights and dischord we've experienced and that I won't be able to keep that relationship as a real part of my life. I am scared that I won't be able to shake bad spending habits and survive on my lower salary. I am scared that my health remains shaky and I won't find the right therapist to keep me afloat that I can reasonably afford. I am scared that I won't take care of my physical health and will become fat and unattractive. I am scared that I am taking too blase of an attitude towards the Bar Exam and will end up in a period of intense stress.
Why I am so scared? What is this anxiety? I've been here before. All the questions I wrote to myself when I was in New Orleans that I answered in Thailand, when I found some peace. Some call it a form of PTSD from my last work environment. I am processing. I feel disgusted with myself, for sleeping in today, for eating at odd hours, for sitting at my desk instead of making the most of the nice weather and/or studying, for not being a productive person who is working to make the most of my new life.
I think I just need to slow down. Agree to go at a slower pace. To just take in each day as it comes and not to project too much into this as some form of permanent shape or structure I've created for myself in my new existence. It's funny because I didn't really have much anxiety as I first arrived, something about being in DC - a place that is a "home" of sorts that I return to between different chapters in my life, made it all just feel like a visit, or that i was just starting a short time internship as opposed to a new version of my life. I am at odds with myself about the idea of "settling down" - I do crave a bit more of stability, where it doesn't feel like i am constantly anticipating my next step or eager to move on. But i also do know that i am far from "settling down" and that I naturally get restless and like to shake things up. I like to do that on my own terms, but life isn't really like that. It will constantly mix things up for you and throw you curve balls.
I shouldn't be scared, in fact i should feel confident that even when i start to go under, I can take the steps necessary to make things better. I can find the new job, the new apartment, i can recognize what is good for me and seek it out. I should have more faith in myself. That's the right take away point. I am not sure if i don't trust myself (and blame myself for everything that goes wrong) or if i don't' trust my luck in this life (and my ability to catch a break for my career, living situation and romantic endeavors). I may be a privileged whiny girl but I don't' get anywhere with trying to suppress these thoughts and not be honest with myself. I know the struggles the people I seek to serve have are far worse than anything I've experienced, even though measured up against my imaginary peer group sometimes I still think I've suffered more. But I've also reveled and experienced aspects of life that people have never seized. That's the hard part of not feeling like this new job is a great adventure. Being in Thailand always felt, unjustly so, like something other people were envious of (though they never really understood the day to day enough to realize they probably wouldn't have liked it). But it helped validate this idea that with my lows came great highs other folks never get to.
Now I've just got to do my best to seek out a quality of life where I feel generally happy and healthy. And stop attaching so much weight and significance to how this chapter fits into my life narrative. I've got to be present in the moment.
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