So - it seems that I am now officially in 2013. I picked a word to carry me through the year, to remember to keep turning back to and its optimism. Uncertainty and transition awaits me this year, as I look at leaving my job and potentially (likely) moving cities. I'm trying to learn the art of "being" with my feelings, learning how to treat myself with unconditional kindness and stop judging or beating myself up all the time. I.e. its easy to see this next decision as high stakes - a chance to finally get it right - to rectify everything I got wrong in New York this time around. At times, it feels like I got a lot wrong, but again maybe nothing comes out of keeping a scorecard on my life. Sure my job was challenging, with intense ups and downs - that haven't and won't ever completely dissipate. Sure, the housing challenges left me with little savings, but a rainy day fund is for when things go wrong like a burglary and that type of thing can get you anywhere or at any time of your life. Sure, I never managed to get a relationship off the ground. These problems may or may not all re-surface again no matter how i *try* to structure my life. And also the process of putting myself out there just places me back in law school, measuring myself up to my peers and competitors and feeling hopelessly inadequate. Never mastered Spanish. Still don't have significant litigation experience, still have never taken a deposition. Never clerked.
I guess the point is to be present. To try not to suppress these feelings, to not expect myself to be stronger and more confident and be disappointed in myself that these thoughts occur. The point is to acknowledge my feelings and come back to the here and now. And still live in this very moment. Still cherish every time I forge a new connection with a person from a totally different walk of life and make them smile and vice versa. To feel good about myself -to be optimistic that great experiences are ahead of me, but that hardships are never a thing of the past and are bound to happen no matter how or where I end up, b/c life, is out of my control. So its okay to go forward with my gut, with the best information I have and to have faith that I can make the best of a situation and at least celebrate the positives no matter where I am - and what other challenges I will face.
Its hard not to see any disappointment, as a confirmation that everything is going to go all wrong, that I am not a person who deserves good things to happen to me, and I should expect ongoing disappointment and rejection every step of the way. But its as silly to have a sense of hope and control that I can make things perfect as it is to getting attached to everything falling apart. Sure it makes me feel safe, to somehow lower my expectations, but its not necessary either.
I guess the point is to be present. To try not to suppress these feelings, to not expect myself to be stronger and more confident and be disappointed in myself that these thoughts occur. The point is to acknowledge my feelings and come back to the here and now. And still live in this very moment. Still cherish every time I forge a new connection with a person from a totally different walk of life and make them smile and vice versa. To feel good about myself -to be optimistic that great experiences are ahead of me, but that hardships are never a thing of the past and are bound to happen no matter how or where I end up, b/c life, is out of my control. So its okay to go forward with my gut, with the best information I have and to have faith that I can make the best of a situation and at least celebrate the positives no matter where I am - and what other challenges I will face.
Its hard not to see any disappointment, as a confirmation that everything is going to go all wrong, that I am not a person who deserves good things to happen to me, and I should expect ongoing disappointment and rejection every step of the way. But its as silly to have a sense of hope and control that I can make things perfect as it is to getting attached to everything falling apart. Sure it makes me feel safe, to somehow lower my expectations, but its not necessary either.
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