So - I think the thing that sets me apart from most overachievers and people in the legal profession, is the way I've handled fear over my life.
When I was a teenager, there was such a strong discourse of "fear of failure." I remember when I was held in an office the whole day with a principal who wrongly accused me of starting a fire in a locker at school and he warned me that if I didn't confess, my entire life was going to be ruined. This fear was raised a notch higher when I was caught with weed my first week of high school and threatened with expulsion from school and my magnet program and school for gifted students. Struggling with depression as an adolescent, there were days and weeks I could barely drag myself to school and at one point me and my parents entertained me dropping out of school altogether. Dropping out of high school was a real course of action. I was from an overachieving immigrant family with two all-star sisters.
So in spite of all these hanging themes that I was closing off the world of opportunities, a chance to get into an Stanford or an Ivy League - blah blah blah. - I just was like, okay I'll work as hard a I can and try to enjoy life and stay healthy and whatever happens happens. And that led me to UNC-Chapel Hill, one of the best places I could have ever chosen. And there I just focused on myself, no goals in mind for the future, I decided to retire fear and "achievement." And I thrived. I did well, b/c I had the autonomy and freedom just to do things my own way and engage.
Going back to law school felt like a step backwards into the healthy world I created for myself. The discourse of fear was as strong as it had been in middle school. Be exceptional, check off all these boxes to demonstrate you are amazing - so you will have the largest amount of opportunities available to you. Be on a journal, get good grades, do this do that. I said, you know what, I'm just going to do things that I feel like I'd enjoy and would let me learn, prepare me for the work I feel passionate about - for people and communities.
And despite carving my own way in a very structured environment, the pressures of my environment ate me up inside. I got depressed again. I crawled to graduation. I was not physically or emotionally prepared to study for the bar exam, but the fear was gone. I went underground and i told myself it didn't matter -"I have no fear" - i was going to Thailand afterwards and passing didn't matter, I just studied at my own pace, and I passed without much pain or work.
The fear of failure and high achieving mentality is still part and parcel of my work now in a private law firm. The people at the top, constantly and intentionally throw it in your face as a means to try to control you. If you don't get things right-which is not "right" in the way of grasping the substance, its mostly - if the formatting is wrong, if there is a typo, if its not done fast enough, if you don't volunteer constantly and make yourself available at all times -then you will fail. What does failure at the firm mean? You can't make partner? I don't need to buy into that. But its insidious -they try to insinuate that you are a failure as a lawyer. They hint, they comment, they isolate you. Its active pressure -unlike the pressures before where it was largely passive, internal feelings.
I just need to get away from the fear. Unlike my peers, my entire life I've not been driven by that fear. I've failed and I've picked up and experienced some of the best opportunities in my life. UNC, Thailand. I may belong to a world of elite overachievers, but if they kick me out -I'll be fine. Plus, by now, I know that I am capable of doing great things, and I am confident in myself in a way that used to be harder for me to feel.
They say that sometimes the smart kids become the rule breakers, because they quickly realize the consquences of most punishments are not real - and the threats are often fairly meaningless. Not lawyers, god -the buy into everything it feels like. If I'm going to survive- I may need to insulate myself more - its tough because I am a people person. But you know - I can learn to forgive myself and just move forward without being controlled by fear -and I am not sure if my friends really can relate to that.
When I was a teenager, there was such a strong discourse of "fear of failure." I remember when I was held in an office the whole day with a principal who wrongly accused me of starting a fire in a locker at school and he warned me that if I didn't confess, my entire life was going to be ruined. This fear was raised a notch higher when I was caught with weed my first week of high school and threatened with expulsion from school and my magnet program and school for gifted students. Struggling with depression as an adolescent, there were days and weeks I could barely drag myself to school and at one point me and my parents entertained me dropping out of school altogether. Dropping out of high school was a real course of action. I was from an overachieving immigrant family with two all-star sisters.
So in spite of all these hanging themes that I was closing off the world of opportunities, a chance to get into an Stanford or an Ivy League - blah blah blah. - I just was like, okay I'll work as hard a I can and try to enjoy life and stay healthy and whatever happens happens. And that led me to UNC-Chapel Hill, one of the best places I could have ever chosen. And there I just focused on myself, no goals in mind for the future, I decided to retire fear and "achievement." And I thrived. I did well, b/c I had the autonomy and freedom just to do things my own way and engage.
Going back to law school felt like a step backwards into the healthy world I created for myself. The discourse of fear was as strong as it had been in middle school. Be exceptional, check off all these boxes to demonstrate you are amazing - so you will have the largest amount of opportunities available to you. Be on a journal, get good grades, do this do that. I said, you know what, I'm just going to do things that I feel like I'd enjoy and would let me learn, prepare me for the work I feel passionate about - for people and communities.
And despite carving my own way in a very structured environment, the pressures of my environment ate me up inside. I got depressed again. I crawled to graduation. I was not physically or emotionally prepared to study for the bar exam, but the fear was gone. I went underground and i told myself it didn't matter -"I have no fear" - i was going to Thailand afterwards and passing didn't matter, I just studied at my own pace, and I passed without much pain or work.
The fear of failure and high achieving mentality is still part and parcel of my work now in a private law firm. The people at the top, constantly and intentionally throw it in your face as a means to try to control you. If you don't get things right-which is not "right" in the way of grasping the substance, its mostly - if the formatting is wrong, if there is a typo, if its not done fast enough, if you don't volunteer constantly and make yourself available at all times -then you will fail. What does failure at the firm mean? You can't make partner? I don't need to buy into that. But its insidious -they try to insinuate that you are a failure as a lawyer. They hint, they comment, they isolate you. Its active pressure -unlike the pressures before where it was largely passive, internal feelings.
I just need to get away from the fear. Unlike my peers, my entire life I've not been driven by that fear. I've failed and I've picked up and experienced some of the best opportunities in my life. UNC, Thailand. I may belong to a world of elite overachievers, but if they kick me out -I'll be fine. Plus, by now, I know that I am capable of doing great things, and I am confident in myself in a way that used to be harder for me to feel.
They say that sometimes the smart kids become the rule breakers, because they quickly realize the consquences of most punishments are not real - and the threats are often fairly meaningless. Not lawyers, god -the buy into everything it feels like. If I'm going to survive- I may need to insulate myself more - its tough because I am a people person. But you know - I can learn to forgive myself and just move forward without being controlled by fear -and I am not sure if my friends really can relate to that.
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