I was having lunch with a couple of my friends from work, and I was talking about this new guy I've been flirting over text who I had met at a happy hour earlier this week and was genuinely excited about. And she says to me, in her usual, blunt and somewhat impudent way "Okay, well don't walk in with any expectations."
I was extremely miffed by this. I feel like my reference point in this world has been to have less than zero expectations about anything. It's part of this extensive training I've put myself over the years, to be an easygoing, adaptable, fun-loving person. I mean part of is the core of my personality, but is also cognitive training to avoid disappointment- to expect nothing from anyone or any aspect of life. I firmly believe the only way for me to experience true enjoyment in life, is to just roll with whatever life brings me, appreciate everything that comes along my way for its positive aspects, and to avoid having strong preferences or opinions about anything. I mean part of has come from the substantial time I've spent abroad, where everything is new and different, and having the attitude above is the only way to maximize the kind of unique experiences brought on by being enveloped in a culture totally alien to you. My only sticking point as I've gotten older is my intense need for non-instant coffee (though I'll still cope, I'll just go out of my way and spend a lot of money to find a decent cup of coffee).
But a part of this is - my intense aversion to depending or asking for too much from anyone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I ask for help -I like to be taken care of - but I hate needing anyone and expecting that anyone will be there for me. Because they are not. The only way I can operate successfully in this life is to be 100% self-sufficient. My friend last night asks me, how this manifests itself in my day to day life - and I tried to explain this means I have a hard time really asking for my needs to be met by another person -meaning when I actually do need something in a relationship -to actually demand it. I just go along with the flow and mostly just accept whatever people offer. I might hint that I'd like to see someone etc. i might need time, but I'll wait and see whatever they want to do that fits within their normal limitations. Of course, I can say "I'm not in the mood for this or that" but I'll almost always ultimately defer to the other person and try to please them. Because if I try to put my own desires in the center, the whole time I guess I just feel like I'm responsible for their disappointments and resentment of potentially making someone do something they don't feel inclined to themselves. (This mostly true for my friendships, I think).
Does this make any sense at all? Perhaps I'm blurring the lines between so many different underlying issues. I mean I guess, he a part of it it comes down to the fact that I find all men to especially be ultimately incapable of really bringing anything solid into my life, so I would never expect anything - I guess anything potentially fun, exciting, is always such a surprise --- and I just I eat it up. And if a person is useless, it just confirms that most people are, and I just walk away.
Bleh. Is this the best way for me to live my life? I worry that I am also avoiding intimacy with people by imposing these restrictions on myself. But at the same time, I feel like I'm saving myself from the bitter disappointment - which seems to already be such a big part of my life -especially in work and family right now.
Another layer of this -is that I am trying to meet very high expectations of what people are demanding of me in work and of my family as well. And then I am told that I am constantly a disappointment to them. And even though the world feels to be demanding a lot from me, I turn around and demand nothing of anyone.
I was extremely miffed by this. I feel like my reference point in this world has been to have less than zero expectations about anything. It's part of this extensive training I've put myself over the years, to be an easygoing, adaptable, fun-loving person. I mean part of is the core of my personality, but is also cognitive training to avoid disappointment- to expect nothing from anyone or any aspect of life. I firmly believe the only way for me to experience true enjoyment in life, is to just roll with whatever life brings me, appreciate everything that comes along my way for its positive aspects, and to avoid having strong preferences or opinions about anything. I mean part of has come from the substantial time I've spent abroad, where everything is new and different, and having the attitude above is the only way to maximize the kind of unique experiences brought on by being enveloped in a culture totally alien to you. My only sticking point as I've gotten older is my intense need for non-instant coffee (though I'll still cope, I'll just go out of my way and spend a lot of money to find a decent cup of coffee).
But a part of this is - my intense aversion to depending or asking for too much from anyone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I ask for help -I like to be taken care of - but I hate needing anyone and expecting that anyone will be there for me. Because they are not. The only way I can operate successfully in this life is to be 100% self-sufficient. My friend last night asks me, how this manifests itself in my day to day life - and I tried to explain this means I have a hard time really asking for my needs to be met by another person -meaning when I actually do need something in a relationship -to actually demand it. I just go along with the flow and mostly just accept whatever people offer. I might hint that I'd like to see someone etc. i might need time, but I'll wait and see whatever they want to do that fits within their normal limitations. Of course, I can say "I'm not in the mood for this or that" but I'll almost always ultimately defer to the other person and try to please them. Because if I try to put my own desires in the center, the whole time I guess I just feel like I'm responsible for their disappointments and resentment of potentially making someone do something they don't feel inclined to themselves. (This mostly true for my friendships, I think).
Does this make any sense at all? Perhaps I'm blurring the lines between so many different underlying issues. I mean I guess, he a part of it it comes down to the fact that I find all men to especially be ultimately incapable of really bringing anything solid into my life, so I would never expect anything - I guess anything potentially fun, exciting, is always such a surprise --- and I just I eat it up. And if a person is useless, it just confirms that most people are, and I just walk away.
Bleh. Is this the best way for me to live my life? I worry that I am also avoiding intimacy with people by imposing these restrictions on myself. But at the same time, I feel like I'm saving myself from the bitter disappointment - which seems to already be such a big part of my life -especially in work and family right now.
Another layer of this -is that I am trying to meet very high expectations of what people are demanding of me in work and of my family as well. And then I am told that I am constantly a disappointment to them. And even though the world feels to be demanding a lot from me, I turn around and demand nothing of anyone.
1 comment:
When seraching for a companion focus on the person who is the most genuine and indispensable friend. Someone you have true friendship with.
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