Fortune

So.... the last post I wrote was ominous... because a short few months later, on April 2nd, I was burglarized and my horrendous landlord did nothing to re-secure my place, so I picked up and moved.  I moved to a new neighborhood, to a smaller much more expensive apartment, - recently and I'm still trying to come to terms with these changes, only 8 months after I had come to NYC to settle down and take on this 2 year assignment.  And work is frustrating also, a toxic environment where I am battling my own team for space and a voice, surrounded by people who do not genuinely care for my well being or development or contributions and in a pawn in a constant game of political chess between management.  I pride myself in being adaptable, to not being high maintenance, to not becoming too attached to anything - but sometimes its hard to always be living your life without any sense of stability.   I can no longer purchase my favorite coffee, or go to yoga class with a teacher I really love or be a few blocks away from a neighborhood bar and surrounded by people of color.  I have to pay for more for my groceries.   I feel like my higher rent means I shouldn't spend on anything else.  Of course the security of a door man building, the shorter commute, the view are all pluses - but they aren't necessarily the things I valued or wanted to value.  I just need to accept that the whirlwind of trauma put me in these circumstances, and now I must embrace them.  But its hard.  I feel overwhelmed with making the best of everything going forward, making sure the job doesn't bring me down, making sure I exploit the great parts of NYC including an ability to date (which I've so far failed to do), losing five pounds and getting back into shape, getting all of the missing parts of my new apartment in order.  I just fail to see any value in the repetativeness of this process for me.   I feel anxious.  I hate feeling anxious.  I was breezing through during my vacation, I felt good, I felt truly like myself.  That is what i get nostaligc for sometimes.  Though I get anxious when I am restless too, I felt that way iin Chiang Mai.   I just wish I could feel like I was doing well in some aspect of my life.  I still feel like all the decisions I make have been wrong ones.