Got to have Faith Faith Faith

Hey! So no blogging in a long time... and although time in Xela, Guatemala gives opportunities for reflection... there is also limited amount of internet connections, which i'll admit i have a mild addiction for... not as bad as caffeine.

So i got the job! I sent out 22 applications (largely for out of reach jobs, i.e. clinical teaching fellowships) but with a little help from my friends I got the position i highly coveted - doing litigation for worker's rights.

Am i nervous about the transition? Now that's the question. On one hand I feel like people have a lot of faith in me and I do have a lot of faith in myself... at perseverance, at adapting, at stamina... on the other hand... i do question myself... and i have this nagging sense that other's question me as well? Is it because I fell down my 3L year? Is it because I struggling through law school as a whole? Or is it just because I am more honest with my emotions? Am i projecting the sense that people are undermining me through my own insecurities?

When you are faced with an upcoming challenge, the best attitude is to remind yourself of your strengths and the fact that you can do it. Here I am in Guatemala, totally starting from square one in a new region, with a new language and a new context. And I am paving my way through as I always do. It IS NOT EASY. IT is not a break. And neither was my time in Thailand. I still suffer from this enormous chip on my shoulder that i feel like anything outside a "proper job" in the US is viewed as play, as easy --- if its that easy why are so many people so scared of doing it? I ask myself this? Could other lawyers do what I've done? Adjust as i have done in difficult settings that really grate on their personal sensibilities?

Yes long hours and litigation IS hard. I don't doubt it. And there is always a part of me that sees myself as a slacker, and lazier than some of my high-achieving peers. But that is not the point. I have a wealth of diverse strength which are enormously important in this life, including a set of people skills which lawyers in my experience, lack. And because I can relate to people at all different levels and stages of their life... i.e. the backpacker finding themselves.... doesn't mean I am at that same stage or what I am doing, if on the surface is comparable, is in actuality comparable. There are numerous forms of challenging oneself in this life... as I have documented before, I haven't shied at all from seeking those out or pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I don't doubt litigation is a challenge, but I also need to make sure that I don't doubt myself or doubt the experiences I have had up until now.

I am absolutely glad I've come to learn Spanish. And it IS hard. Its complemented with other great opportunities.. that hello world? just because you have embarked on a career doesn't mean are closed off to you. Everyone chooses their own path.. and I chose mine. If you want to sell your house or take time between jobs or do whatever it is possible. DO NOT PROJECT your own insecurities on to me. I hate it when people tell me they "wish" they could do what I do. YOU CAN! All it takes a certain amount of willpower... I am resourceful.. yes.. but I am also determined.. in the positive sense of the word. I make things happen for myself. Maybe if you have kids you are in a different category in terms of responsibilities... but even then things are massively possible. I hate feeling defensive... i feel like sometimes in this world, alienated in some degree from everyone.. i guess that's the cost of being ther sort of contradictory character I am... relate to everyone... feel alienated by everyone too... indulge in one side of yourself at any given time, without feeling totally whole ever. I don't mind it... only from time to time.. and its always most difficult in periods of transition or periods of intense stagnation.

But you know i have to say, i really like the idea of turning 30 next month. Despite my complaints.. I do feel like i've reached a sense of inner peace with my life's decisions, experiences, and my own self as a person. I am happy with who I am and what i've done, and authentically proud. Whether or not there are parts of my future NYC life that make me miserable... I am far more equipped to handle it now then I was a few years back, and I feel very confident about it... I've got faith.