Reverse Culture Shock

So I haven't had a moment to process or contemplate, the enormity of all the changes I've experienced this year in 2012. While I was acutely aware throughout the process, of the significance of each step, leaving Thailand, entering the job market, learning Spanish, adjusting back to New York, etc., at the same time, I fail to fully appreciate the impact of all my life choices.

In one explosive fight with my mother last month, her response to me feeling disoriented with my surroundings and overwhelmed with the pressure of getting my new life in order, was "you made these choices, this is what you do." - essentially, since you created this mess, you have no right to complain about it. However, she has a limitless sense of sympathy for my elder sister's challenge of taking care of two young children, even though she has a ton of resources at her disposal, and it was in its own way a "choice" no different than mine. But its not a choice for my sister, its the "natural" order of life and progress.

Its this double edge sword in my life, I feel that people respect the adaptability I have this in life, they will say "I couldn't spend that many hours on a bus," "I couldn't learn another language" etc. but they don't choose to put themselves in very challenging situations. Not everyone, but some people. So at the same time, its bewildering to them that it takes a toll on me, and I don't have a space to explore those feelings outloud. Part of reverse culture shock is necessarily the alienation and isolation you experience as you internally make sense of having essentially two distinct and separate lives and homes.

When I try to find comfort in my repatriation, it stands out in that 1) I wasn't travelling, so my 2.5 years weren't exciting and now I am back to a boring routine 2) I didn't have a shelf life to my living abroad experience, even though it ended up only being 3 years, I lived a least one of those years with no idea of when I would go home or "if." Meaning, chiang mai really became my home. Not just a temporary experience. Starting a 2 year position at this new job, makes New York just as much of this ephemeral home as Chiang Mai. I don't feel like coming back to the U.S. signifies me "settling down now" and I resent that, because I feel the same way about starting off in New York as I did in Chiang mai, I am invested in my life here, but not sure I could do it forever. And I learned Thai, and I was part of the Burmese community, I wasn't just part of an ex-pat ghetto when I was there. It was a real life. Yes it was a mixed experience also... but it wasn't one way or the other.

I'm still processing, I, in typical Reena style and partially because of great luck in find a new job, just jumped right into Guatemala and then right back into NY life, without much time to think about anything. And even leaving Chiangmai, as much as it was in my head for a long time leading up to it, I was so busy up until the moment I left, and living life as usual (what other way to live it), that it's like being transported into different beings, three times. I thought the month I had before I started work in NYC was more than enough, and it was.. I am glad I wasn't on my dad's sofa looking for work and taking U.S. all in - in that way, but you know with re-acclimating there is no right way to do it, to avoid it, to prepare for it It's inevitable. And its going to be an inner commentary regardless of whether or not I have the space or place to open up to anyone about it. Yes, I brought this life upon myself, and I have absolutely no regrets for the choices I've made, but that doesn't mean I don't need to give myself a break for feeling unseated or uncomfortable at moments with how quickly i've again adopted a new existence, and look back and be like WTF.

There are coping mechanisms. I mean I think the time I spend on facebook to keep up my connections with old friends is important. I feel guilty I don't keep up with all the different communities I've spend a significant time with my whole life, the problem is that there are so many! I also have to keep it limited to realistic connections I can keep fostering as I get older and continue to move forward. I have to be real with myself. I love spending time with my family, but sometimes it heightens my sense of alienation. I need to make sure I spend time doing things that make me feel grounded in this life and allow me the space to become re-charged. I also have to accept the fact that when I see my old friends, a part of it will seem the same and will move seamlessly into the here and now. And at times, I'll love that, and other times I'll hate the sensation, because it feels like it erases the past three years. Or I will feel like I missed too many important things while I was gone. I just need to take a breath after a moment of spending time in those situations (often very intense), and be happy with the love and connections I have and not to expect too much in the first moments, be okay with the unnatural and natural parts and it will all be smooth going forward.

I like my new life. Its not perfect, there are parts of Thailand I sorely miss, but the two are not really comparable. It's impossible to take the best part of both worlds. I just wish the two placers were closer. I think the most important part is to not repress my feelings. To go with the direction I am feeling with.

There is a person who has been the focal point for my clash with coming home, she's an old friend who I love dearly but who I cant' seem to relate to because she hasn't taken any risks or made any real changes in her life since we graduated from college. I feel like I don't respect her because she's never pushed herself out of her comfort zone. Even my friends who have never left the U.S. have all experimented and taken chances with their lives, even if its moving to a new city, moving in with their significant other, going back to grad school, etc. I think pushing yourself forward can happen in a million different ways. The worst part is that she thinks that I am just now "growing up" because my life looks more like her now... I feel like she discounts all the amazing experiences I have had over the past ten years, as somehow an extended period of youth. Maybe a part of it was, but I've grown more by taking chances in those ten years, than someone who won't dare go outside their comfort zone. Routine doesn't make you an adult.

I think the biggest change of 30 year old Reena and younger Reena is that younger Reena had to process everything outloud. Tell someone every thought or feeling brewing in her head. Tell it 30 times over to 30 different friends. Traveling all over has made it easy to keep to myself. To figure things out on my own. I still am open and speak honestly about my feelings, but only when the subject comes up. And it does so with fewer people on fewer occasions. I actually need my time alone more to re-center myself than being around anyone else.