Never Giving Up on Myself

Okay so here's a positive post! So i think the part of myself I am the most proud of myself as I approach 30 years old, is that I haven't given up on myself for most things, meaning that I continue to try to do things I've never done before, to learn, to push and challenge myself. Somewhere deep down inside, I am a firm believer that sheer will power and commitment will get you places, maybe not to excellence, but it has led me to activities and opportunities in my life that I would have otherwise closed off for myself. Let me stop talking in the abstract.

Some things i've covered before.

My 3L of law school, I stepped on a treadmill for the first time. I had been anti-running my whole life, and despite my switchover from anti-exercise to joining the gym and classes, i still refused to run. The first time I ran, I think I ran as a snail. But at age 26, I just kept to it. No I didn't become so wonderful at running that after a year I decided to run a marathon, but I love running now and even if I've only incrementally improved over time, I run often, which is more important to me. I am addicted to the adrenaline the sweat, the sheer excitement of running.

I decided I was terrible at languages. I never did well in French in school, i decided only to take one semester at undergrad, and then I would never bother to learn a language again. But the summer of 2002 when I was in Tanzania, I took a lot of time and effort to learn Kiswahili. And i learned better than everyone else in my program. And I could communicate with people, even though I wasn't fluent. So then I went to India and learned Hindi and I went to Thailand and learned Thai. I've never become fully fluent in any of these languages, but I've been able to acheive high level of communications with local communities here, work effectively, and even when i have a bad day, i am generallly okay. And this year I will go to learn Spanish. I will take three months of my life to go do it. And i am confident that if I give it my all, and make this time and space for it, I'll be able to get somewhere.

I was never outdoorsy- but then I spent 4 days trekking in Nepal last year and loved it! I am still no extremely confident about my skills as a lawyer, but i think you put me an environment and I will be able to do it. Its painful, being a beginner, humilitating, and frusturating, but I think its the ability to endure that that sets one apart from others. Maybe I'll take a computer programming class again and try to re-build skills i had when i was young in the magnet. Maybe I can try to learn how to play the piano again. When I was young, I was obsessed with being excellent, things weren't worth investing time in, unless you could be really good at them. But as a 30 year old, ts important just to try to do things, for your own enjoyment and advancement in life, and let's be real its not a competition.

I think for the job search and career, that's what I've always prided myself in that set me apart from law school peers. That if you stuck it out, endured a lot of stress and rejection, eventually some great opportunity woudl come along your way, or you could do exactly what you want to, like coming back to a grassroots NGO abroad and being succesful at that (my 1L year people laughed at me at that notion). Real activists dont' get deterred by obstacles, by disappointment and by an uncertain world. And if I just keep pushing my heart into it, learning spanish, taking other Bar exams, and showign that i am a versatile, flexible and committed person, things will all fall in place for me.