Validation & Excitement

so the boy and i officially broke up... and it was messy. it hurt. i opened myself up to someone and realized that he hadn't opened himself as much as i did. but i have no regrets. if anything i learned that i could be open to a serious relationship and someone could want to be with me, overcoming to some degree some nagging fears and insecurities, but potentially confirming other insecurities... i am trying to win that battle.

when it started to feel it was inevitable... i became hungry for male attention... and i sought validation in the arms of someone who was supposed to be "off limits" -- my other friend says that i also seek out excitement, that i am addicted to excitement, which is true too. maybe it was in reaction to losing the potential for a serious relationship, to go back to my old habits of chasing excitement.

i suppose its human nature to seek out validation and attention from men, but it doesn't jive well with the feminist sense of myself that i have. and how to see through attention that serves a certain need at a certain time, and break the cycle of continuing to feel needy for it (esp. when its wrong).

thailand's rough, cause on a general basis - there is a lot of things that make me feel unattractive, i.e. being dark and fat by Thai Standards, and scary. But then i get a lot of positive re-enforcement too.. i don't get criticized at work, 10 people everyday compliment my Thai, people also are so enthusiastic and say my good mood, laughter, etc is contagious and like to be around it.

i mean, give my history, as strong of a person as i am, i am also vulnerable at points, and its easy to undermine my ability to feel good about myself, yes I am prone to bouts of self-hatred. i think its improved over time, but it is my Achilles' heel.

I've got two months left, and the time is winding down... let's take out the drama and really just invest the energy into wrapping everything up successfully. and indulging in the relaxed lifestyle that i will sorely miss back in the states.