Happy New Year! I woke up this morning in 2011 after a beach party in Cambodia and all I could feel was a great sense of shame. The beach party was pretty much all u can expect of normal drunken antics, although i got a bit belligerent (i hate when i get to be angry drunk) and i woke up feeling like its time to grow up, I am afterall going to be thirty this year. I am just tired of the scene, of being young, wild and crazy... but then again I am not sure what lies on the other side. My friend Cresa says happy hour with young professionals back home next year will be a rude awakening. And lots of my friends are coupled or married off and have picked a far more quiet life, and sometimes i convince myself that I want to be engrossed in my career now and give it my all and ready to give up all the partying and drinking and dancing... because sometimes it feels like i don't even really enjoy it anymore, its been such a blur over the almost last twelve years and maybe now its enough... or is it a part of who I am that i can't deny? I can't be sure. the only thing i know right now is that i am ready for a change. There are parts of this life that i love dearly and really feel have allowed me to indulge in that side of me that i questioned was lost too quickly when i joined law school. When Cresa and I recount the antics from last night, the shame disappears, and we amuse ourselves highly. The reality is that i have been able to have this silly fun and still be a hardworking NGO worker in an organization and doing work i love the whole time, without sacrificing that part of myself. But i don't have a similar peer group here, not really and its all just getting so cliche in moments too. and i've already documented the fall into juvenile stupidity that results from being in the small gossiping immature community. But the sense of community has also been awesome, and i love the way people know me and can take care of me and i don't have to worry for those nights i do become a belligerent drunk.
I mean a big part was also starting to realize I also wanted more intimate and real relationships with men again, and then having a real relationship, which is still not officially ended despite the distance, just also transforms the idea of the type of entertainment that i need to feel sustained.
alright... those are some random thoughts, starving over here... welcome 2011
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