Resentment

This is a new emotion for me that in bizarre moments, whether its vivid dreams, an off hand reaction, or an emotional outburst at an inappropriate moment, I have been forced to confront the reality that I am harboring a deep sense of resentment.

Its such an usual emotion for me, one that I have never full dissected and explored that its hard for me to even come to terms with the reality of it. I just looked up the definition of resentment in some vain attempt to diagnose myself properly. Not a part of my everyday experience, but its there swimming deep, disguised in sarcasm or just straight denial.

To whom? This is cliche. My family. I am harboring a deep-seeded resentment against my family. I am half-way across the world from them, but the time and distance has only amplified emotions instead of resolving them.

If i were to delineate the reasons for my resentment, I would sound petty and its quite easy for any listener to counsel me against the logic of emotions. With a select few this has happened, and it only seeks to make my resentment fully bubble to the surface, become frusturated and cause me to try it to bury it even deeper. And what family doesn't have challenging dynamics, right?

A large part of my resentment stems from my trip back home in July. It has made me resolute in not travelling back to visit for another year and a half and then, if or when i transition back, spending whatever money necessary, accruing whatever debt necessary, to immediately establish my independence. Absolutely no dependence on them.

I've withdrawn. I make excuses not to be in contact. Contact just reminds of all the reasons for my resentment and i rather just block it out.

As I've said in other blog posts, I am quite comfortable with the idea of being single or trying to have a family on my own. I've never really pictured or imagined a life for myself with a partner. Part of the reason has been through the way my friends and family make me have a full life that I assumed it negated the craving for a monogamous committed relationship. But I have to admit the resentment towards my family, leading me to take actions of semi-severance without openly acknowledging, has heightened a sense that the future might feel lonely. But instead of pushing me towards the idea that maybe it would be nice to have a committed relationship in lieu it has only solidified the deep sense of mistrust I have for people. That to trust, rely, or make yourself vulnerable to anyone is a grave mistake. I recognize that its not a rational distrust, but its very real to me, and no matter how many lectures i get or cliched ideas that "the right person will make me change my mind" its not dissipating. Resentment and distrust. I am not ready or willing to deal with either of these underlying emotions and the ironic part, is on a day to day basis I can have a healthy happy life without them ever interfering.

But I suppose I needed to vent here because I cannot vent anywhere else. To the imaginary interested readers, who may or may not exist but who as a result - maintain a strict code of silence.

Thanks for just listening.

FROM WIKIPEDIA:

Causes of Resentment

Resentment can result from a variety of situations, involving a perceived wrong done to an individual, and often are sparked by expressions ofinjustice or humiliation. Common sources of resentment include publicly humiliating incidents such as accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest, being an object of regular discrimination or prejudice, envy/jealousy, feeling used or taken advantage of by others, and having achievements go unrecognized, while others succeed without working as hard. Resentment can also be generated by dyadic interactions, such as by being emotionally rejected or denied by another person, being deliberately embarrassed or belittled by another person, or being ignored, put down, or scorned by another person. ^[4] Often resentment can begin early, as in the case of children who are unequipped emotionally to respond otherwise to the divorce of the parents.

Signs of Resentment

Unlike many emotions, resentment does not have physical tags exclusively related to it that telegraph when a person is feeling this emotion. However, physical expressions associated with related emotions such as anger and jealousy may be exhibited, such as furrowed brows or bared teeth.^[5]

Resentment can be self-diagnosed by looking for signs such as the need for emotion regulation, such as faking happiness while with a person to cover true feelings toward them or speaking in a sarcastic or demeaning way to or about the person. It can also be diagnosed through the appearance of agitation- or dejection-related emotions, such as feeling inexplicably depressed or despondent, becoming angry for no apparent reason, or having nightmares or disturbing daydreams about a person.^[6]

Effects of Resentment

Resentment is most powerful when it is felt toward someone whom the individual is close to or intimate with. To have an injury resulting in resentful feelings inflicted by a friend or loved one leaves the individual feeling betrayed as well as resentful, and these feelings can have deep effects.^[1]