Thoughts from India

so i am in india because my grandmother passed away on new years eve. i didnt make it here in time for all the ceremonies but i came to support my family, especially my mother who came from the US. i've been working hard to be a 'good daughter' the time i have been here with my mother and also the loss of my grandmother has prompted me to let go of some of the resentment i confessed in my previous post.

i have been all over the place with my feelings and emotions. i began to feel suffocated by the lack of excitement that Chiang Mai offered, that i was hopeless in such an environment, again having a heightened sense of alienation which always seems to be stemming from lack of interest romantically (i hate that word but can't think of a better one). but whats strange that when i went to the beach and the world opened up again, instead of thinking that i would be overly excited by the prospect of being attractive and hunting prey - i was largely unaffected by it. What came and went was fun but also routine in its own way. so its left me thinking that there is something more of any underlying issue tied in with my self-image and life narrative....

at the heart of the matter, i think i am probably a healthy level of egotistical. i am by no means a head-turning beauty, but i have a seductive charm that I am confident about and has won me a many. it doesn't surprise me when it works, i don't have an insecurity that i seek attention for to validate my self-worth. it chiang mai its not worked, potentially at ALL, which has frustrated me, made me feel like a failure. but what i realized is not that its making me question myself or undercutting my self-image. i am still very confident about myself. (i.e. i think i am all that!) what i am not confident about anymore, is where my life is taking me. what i worry is that i have hit my lifetime quota of meaningful instances that shake me and my life up. what makes me sad is that less and less the unexpected happens... whereas when i was younger it seemed it was always an unexpected thing happening effortlessly. and what would be unexpected now in connecting with a person is probably different from what it was then, or maybe not.

i feel like deep down i am this unnecessarily dark and complicated person and that i have become too unconventional to truly belong to any community, that i am always a guest, whether or not it is a welcomed and accepted guest, still a guest. And what i told myself at a very young age was that the choices i had in my values and lifestyle would have consequences, so whatever fears i have now are just the natural result of these choices, thus i have no space to expect anything else. But then i also think that i am really not that unique or unconventional and there are plenty of people out there who have done the same things as me and who have juggled with even more difficult cultural balancing acts. But there are also people, the people no one ever wants to consider, whose life opportunities do remain small because they don't fit in. Its just how society is. And its precisely the parts of me that i celebrate, that are part of that seductive charm that have always made it impossible for me to be in a relationship as well. That's what i have always told myself. So if i don't want to change who i am then i can't expect my life narrative to change either.
I am too dark for Thailand. I am too old and corrupted for India. I am too worldly for America.
its so lame to think these things and its even lamer to get validation for thinking these things and its the lamest to want to experience something that will defy all these boxes i and we have drawn.