So i meant to write to my blog when i had semi-mini panic attack about the stability of my job and after spending all this time and energy coming to peace with the idea of staying in Thailand through 2010, and indefinitely generally, everything was thrown into uncertainty and i didn't know what laid in store.
As i went through the inner monologue process of coming terms with change, and feeling comfortable with the idea of starting over, recognized a part of me was relieved by the escape from the stability that i had grown to love but which continually frightens me, i then went into mourning mode of all the things i had anticipated to do and grown attached to that I was now abandoning, then into identifying all the bad things about my life here, and how i actually do need to escape them, and accepting that it would be good to leave, to then jumping ahead to the next job search and how i am insanley nervous to put my self worth back on the line again and face all the rejections lining up, and how to make sense of this new life narrative, especially for the 'career path'. I then had a moment of recognizing the fact that my desire to have a life narrative is futile and that randomness. is part of life, hence my quote from Rushdie...
"In spite of all the evidence that life is discontinuous, a valley of rifts, and that random chance plays a greater part in our fates, we go on believing in the continuity of things, in causation and meaning. But we live on a broken mirror, and fresh cracks appear in its surface every day."
And then after having this snowballing inner-monologue, i learned that my job was secure afterall. So I am staying.
And the aftermath of the inner monologue, just after i thought i had achieved inner peace before the wrench was thrown into the picture is been strange. I travel a lot for work, which i like but is also exhausting. But then when i am in chiang mai, the city i love so dearly, i find myself a little bit bored, as if i am not feeding myself the right things here. I spend endless hours at the gym, hanging out with friends things i love and cherish-- but the monotony now scares me again and for some reason I get into these modes...
self-hatred is totally my security blanket... and i realize this, it always comes to these internalization of personal failings, whether its being lawyerly enough, or speaking thai well enough, or now the most idiotic of them all, like conquering the thai man/woman...
my father always says i haven't really learned to come to peace with myself. its a constant battle i admit, one i am not sure i'll ever win, but progress comes in pieces, along the way, and i do know some of its growing pains and that at 28 its a lot to expect to have found balance and peace.
sometimes i'd like to wake up and just be another person. and its not stemming from unhappiness, i am actually, authentically really happy, and its not dissatisfaction, its probably this bizarre addiction i have to excitement or chance or the feeling that anything is possible, and stability, even one that has almost all the elements i love, also means that the things i don't like, such as the fact that the racisms x language barrier x cultural barrier = chance of romance or interest or relations = small... it just depresses me a bit. Sometimes i wish i was a person who just didn't think or dream and was more complacent and fatalistic with my circumstances. The possibiity of change bringout a new excitement and opportunity has made me an addict tempered with a fear that change will mean the loss of everything i have now that i appreciate, but don't appreciate enough.
okay so that's enough of my theoretical thinkings. its late and i am avoiding monday.. no must face it.
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