Shingle Bells.

I am back at my office after a two week hiatus because I came down with Shingles...a nasty adult version of the chicken pox that led to huge hideous blisters on my face and apparently was the result of a low immune system.

The funny part is that I was feeling tired after I got back from India, but because I associate my low energy with depression, I just kept pushing myself harder, which is what I have trained myself to do over the years... so when it was hot and i was insanely tired a few weeks ago, I dragged myself to the gym, or to work more, hating myself for being lazy. I had no idea that i was probably running myself to the ground... instead of listening to my body.

The doctor says the recovery is slow, I was on house arrest for awhile and even now that I am back out, i am not supposed to push it, I am supposed to take things slow... but i keep thinking my low energy is just in my head and that I am supposed to 'overcome' it. I even contemplated taking my crack again...

There was something beautiful about being sick here, my boss totally let me off the hook, and for two weeks I was instructed not even to open my laptop. I was absolved from all responsibilities in a way that was entirely impossible when I was a student. I watched TV, slept for twelve hours - things I normally enjoy as a holiday but I was a bit uneasy just because I was in pain and my body had really shut down.

My relationship with my energy level is complicated, most people think that I am have this boundless energy and envy it. I expect a lot from myself, even at times when i don't recognize it. although i think of my days as "simple here" because i have a job that is only 9-5 and flexible... i don't realize that i work many weekends and evenings, i take thai lessons, i go to the gym regularly, i do yoga, i have bustling social life. i think somehwere in my head, all those years as a teenager when i was labelled lazy, or even in college, stuck with me.. even if i don't really live up to it... i think i am just easy going nowadays, but somehow it all seems intertwined.

anyways... i am just thankful i can leave the house and show my face without it covered behind a scarf like a good indian girl.

i actually feel like by the time i got really sick, i had retired a lot of my issues about my career, about ke-shaun jackson, so i didn't spend any time in that nasty-era of self doubt with all the extra time on my hands.. so as I hoped, in April I am feeling in better spirits and the love and TLC i got from my friends and staff and i've resolved to stay on in Thailand in a resolution of a more peace with myself abuout it. what if i never fit in here? shan culture, thai culture, thai language, whatever.. i never fit in anywhere, and i know that am okay with it. i value it in myself at the end of the day.