Consequence of My Independence

the consequence of my independence is periodic moments of loneliness? that's kind of lame. i think even people in relationships and marriages have periodic moments of loneliness. i think sadness is just part of the human condition.

its not fun when people who appreciate you, are attached to you and attracted to you are dumbfounded on how to respond to their feelings and translate it into a series of confused actions which ultimately you internalize as rejection. i recognize that i am not the easiest or safest person in the world to chase after and that in reality i do no respond well to being chased... but i am also insanely patient and compassionate even when I tell myself not to be. from my vantage point, i still see numerous straight men who become incredibly insecure around a confident girl like me.

its easy to try to make a pattern of maladaptive behavior that has a Freudian root cause which is the reason why i end up in these type of situations. but its all b.s. at the end of the day because there is no pattern and now with 12 years of being in the romantic ring - i eschew any speculation of pattern at least without hard data statistics and regressions on ALL the persons.

i think i have a right to be sad when people are careless with my emotions, i think others might perceive me as stronger and more impenetrable than i am, i think i may even purposefully show off this image, but i am still vulnerable to being hurt even in a situation i am not 100% invested in.

and sometimes it hurts.

and here's the thing. just because it hurts... doesn't mean i am buying into the idea that their will be some knight who will deliver me a cinderella story. sure i deserve better than what i am getting but that doesn't mean i will ever get it.

so i can be hurt and sad without needing to change my independence or resolve to be on my own.