3 Month Hump Cont'd

should i have at least experienced one long-term committed relationship by this age? woudl I still have done all the things i wanted to do if I had? am i selfish? is it strange i'd like to have a child but i still don't have a desire to get married? would a relationship foster my personal growth in a more real way?

so i have gotten over this. actually my personal romantic and sexual life has been one of the things in my life that since i hit age 21 or so, i've been able to stay the most sane about. a long-term committed relationship? no need, if it hasn't happened then it hasn't happened. i continue to have interesting and exciting experiences with people and value the time i spend and also highly value my independence. i may go through my entire life without being in one, but that doesn't mean i don't get to feel and be part of amazing things. i love children and it make sense for me to want one and for me to crave an extension of the familal love i know well from my own mother. i think we all find personal growth through different things, some people do grow a lot through relationships, but I have chosen a path with little monotony or security and i find personal growth through the decisions i make and places i have picked to be in - so i don't think a relationship would do anything ina more "real" way - it might just do so for other people in different ways and could do for me potentially but isn't necessary. i am not stunted because i have an unconventional view and behavior in this area.

am I moody? am i delusional about myself? am I overly self-aware? am i hypersensitive? am I still fighting elementary insecurities? do i like myself? is my confidence bravado or serious?

I am a bit of a contradiction. I am both very confident and a little hyper-sensitive but as long as I stay centered I can handle this. I do like myself but don't respond well in rigid environments that overemphasize my weaknesses and undervalue my strengths because it feeds old insecurities. I am also extremely perceptive but i have to be careful in how i REACT to what i pereceive and also how i share it with others.


do i just become overwhemed with everythign cause I am tired? is it really not that deep? am i emotionally intelligent or have i lost my ability to just live in the moment? why as i have become more competent am i less eager to do anything for the causes I believe in? why do i not want to drive to Mississippi at the drop of a hat? do i know how to really succesffuly draw boundaries? can i say no? can i not feel guilty about it?

i think at the time of this old post, the answer is yes, i became overwhelmed because i was depleted and somewhere along the way i did lost my ability to live in the moment because of the all the brainwashing which had made me anxious about my future. i think i continue to remain eager to do anything for he causes i believe in, but at the macro-level i understand that my energy is limited and must be placed in a way that will be the most efficient and effective for the overall goal.

i am not sure i know how to successfully draw boundaries, i am learning and practiciing in an environment here that is a lot more friendly to the idea. i can say no and i am still learning how not to feel guilty about it.

am i different because of law school? was it a big mistake? would i be struggling with these things no matter what?

no. not different b/c of law school i know that now. whether it was mistake or not is kind of a moot point now and there is no point in wondering.

do i have a right to get annoyed? is it okay to expect more from your people to be your friends? is okay to hate the antagonism of straight men?

i still think that getting annoyed is more a challlenge for me, how can i process it and avoid it and i don't think i ever really have a "right" to get annoyed. it is absolutely okay to expect more from your people to be your friends... if i give a lot in a relationship, i should feel that there is a equal sense... even if there isn't it should be a non-issue for me that doesn't make me feel small. frankly i have too many amazing relationships with amazing people all over the world, with deep intimacy and love, to ever feel that what i give and what i want is crazy. and it makes me angry that anyone ever made me feel crazy for feeling that way. friendships come naturally to me and are so important to me and its a shame that for a period of my life in law school they were this awful source of stress and made me feel insecure and misunderstood and insanely lonely but it was never like that and will never be like that again. and of course its okay to hate the antagonism of straight men!

is my absorption with making tough choices absolutely ridiculous and just a sign of someone who is too privelged? do i really need answers or do I just need to chill?

my absorpition was a product of my environment and it was ridiculous but probably not a result of any weakness or shortcoming of me and is sign of privelged people.

And even though i re-visit questions I DO NOT NEED ANSWER, i DO NEED TO CHILL.

And this exactly what i am doing here! :)