i am 26

and I am desperately looking for answers...

like am I on the right direction with my career path? What opportunities do I pursue after the disorienting experience of law school that will give me a sense of fulfillment? What kind of people fill my life with joy? What kind of stamina and ability to sacrifice do I really have? What is a healthy balance? What city suits my personality? Where can I go, what can I do that will allow me to meet people that make my heart jump?

sometimes i rejoice in being 26, sometimes I can look back at the last ten years and feel really proud of all the amazing experiences i have had the diversity and breadth of them (as I have said before). other times i think i am pathetic at 26. have i grown up at all? is trying to party and get drunk three nights in a row and talk to a guy in a band just frankly pathetic at my age? am i making the right kind of decision to really drive my personal growth going forward? not just career growth, not just the learning curve of how to file a lawsuit, (to allege a claim under Civil Rico there must be a proper distinction between person and enterprise... ) --- or what immigration filings are associatied with H-2B Visa workers (an employer must fill out an I-129 and receive an I-797...). How do I even define personal growth?

am i only happy in the short-term? there is a huge part of me that is ready for the new orleans experience to be over. like i want to escape from what was supposed to be my escape in the first place. i tried a new formula and it didn't work. will any formula ever work? i am i easy person to feel fulfilled in the short-term but once i have to take stock of the pluses and negatives and truly understand them in a situaton, do I get boggled down? is there a part of me that still struggles with my adolescent depression? should i be in therapy? do i beleive in therapy anymore?

am i going to be able to draw boundaries? do i have to come to terms with recurring burn out? can i burn out from a personal and professional life at the same time? what actually makes me feel re-charged at the end of the day? is television my only reliable refuge?

should i have at least experienced one long-term committed relationship by this age? woudl I still have done all the things i wanted to do if I had? am i selfish? is it strange i'd like to have a child but i still don't have a desire to get married? would a relationship foster my personal growth in a more real way?

am I moody? am i delusional about myself? am I overly self-aware? am i hypersensitive? am I still fighting elementary insecurities? do i like myself? is my confidence bravado or serious?

is my absorption with making tough choices absolutely ridiculous and just a sign of someone who is too privelged? do i really need answers or do I just need to chill?

my father says that a hindu philospher said "you will only ever be as happy as you are today" -- does that mean that none of this choices have any effect on my happiness, and its just all my fault? if i believe that, does that mean I have to blame myself? isnt' that what battling with depression was all about, learning how not to blame myself? is there such a thing as an inner-solitude?

do i just become overwhemed with everythign cause I am tired? is it really not that deep? am i emotionally intelligent or have i lost my ability to just live in the moment? why as i have become more competent am i less eager to do anything for the causes I believe in? why do i not want to drive to Mississippi at the drop of a hat? do i know how to really succesffuly draw boundaries? can i say no? can i not feel guilty about it?

am i anxious? am i worried? am i scared? have i always been like this?

am i different because of law school? was it a big mistake? would i be struggling with these things no matter what?

do i have a right to get annoyed? is it okay to expect more from your people to be your friends? is okay to hate the antagonism of straight men?

the last questions is it okay to like the song "big girls don't cry" by fergie even though you generally can't stand her as an artist? I think the answer is yes!

i leave you with the chorus:

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center,
Clarity, Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm not gonna miss you like a child misses theirblanket
Cause I've gotta move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry