I'm still here, still struggling

The boy I liked, even as I re-read the last post about how I was skeptical --- told me, how he thought we were meant to be together and he didn't want to make it a rebound and ruin our chance to build something--- and then afterwards  disappeared.  Without a word.  No explanation, no statement, nothing.  It hurt so bad,  an intense overwhelming pain.  But I was so humiliated to admit it because everyone had warned me he was not a good person, that I felt that I couldn't share the painful hurt I experienced outloud.  I truly believe that I am unlovable.  That no matter how supportive, loving, fun, exciting, sexual, intelligent of person I am, there is a darkness in me, something terribly wrong that drives people away.  A friend tells me, a person like him, who could be so manipulative, dishonest and inconsiderate - good riddens.  But even as I have finally let go of the situation, I am convinced that a lasting love and companionship will always be out of my reach.

But I stayed distracted.  I took an amazing 10 day vacation to Nicargua alone that was perfect.  It reminded me of a person I feel like I have lost through the hum drum of trying to be the "adult" I am supposed to be here in the U.S.   I made efforts to see my friends and enjoy the diverse and always new experiences available in New York city, to celebrate ending up here as a way to make peace with all the bouncing around, and it felt authentic.  I was convinced that I was finally healing.  That I was close to a normal version of my self and I could finally feel like there was the distance I needed from my long drawn out downfall that had consumed my life for the past two years.  I had what had evaded me for so long - a sense of stability that was on the verge of making me feel secure.

But winter hit. A real harsh winter hit and my sense that I was improving fell apart and I ended up right back in that state of despair.  And though the objective observers in my life assured me that even as I was struggling I was light years of where I had been before, I've been having a hard time thinking that I'll ever return to a normal version of myself.  Maybe it is illusory at this stage in my life, or ever.  Maybe that person is just an imagined identity I see wearing rose colored glasses looking at  the past.

I've spent a lot of time unearthing how my parents contributed to my lack of sense of self worth, how without a sense of true unconditional love from them, it hasn't been something I've ever sought out or believed was available to me.  That my feelings that "it's all my fault" are messaging I've carried with me since my childhood.  Understanding and self-awareness is supposed to be the first step towards change, but I'm not sure I really believe that.

I'm still trying.  I put unrealistic expectations of myself everyday at work, that I walk away feeling like a failure and that I'm never productive enough and no amount of time with make me feel caught up.  I have all these physical symptons, the most profound is fatigue, that wipes me out completley, that makes me sleep for 10, 12, 14 hours.  I have always felt that no one believes me, the realnes of my fatigue, how its not something I can push through - I hear the skepticism from others in my mind and a message that I am just lazy and not trying hard enough.  That my mental health does not create that type of physical impairment, it's just that I am not working hard enough to "be better." I'm not sure if it's real or imagined - or perhaps just the message of my family from childhood I'm still carrying around with me.

I met a new boy.  We are going very slow.  He thinks its a good idea to build a friendship and not just immediately give into our physical attraction.  It's a new concept for me.  I wanted to get physical, get that high, feel rejected, hate him and get over it.  I wanted the certainty of that.  I am trying to sit with the uncertainty.  I'm actually doing alright at it, he doesn't make me feel plagued with anxiety, but at the same time, it does feel impossible to feel hopeful.  I've got my walls high up.  I don't want to make myself vulnerable any time soon.  We'll see how that plays out.  I feel like he wants me to take him seriously and that he is taking me seriously - and I'm trying to relish in that, the lack of already existing complications.  I am scanning for it though, something in his life that will make him walk away from me and tell me it has nothing to do with me.

It's been snowing constantly even though we are in March.  I desperately want the snow to completely melt. I need sunshine.  While I want to celebrate that I've ended up in New York City, I can't stand how hard the winters are for me.  That inevitable heightened depression.  I'm not isolated in feeling it, it feels ubiquitous but that sense of solidarity isn't helping.  The grey dirty snow covering the street, making everything ugly, its miserable.

I've completed one year at my job.  I can say I love my job. I feel well respected by everyone I work with inside and outside my organization.  Its starting to make me let go off all the harsh criticism that i had to withstand from the last two jobs and making me believe in myself again.  To make all that hard work feel like it counted for something.  I wish that feeling was enough to make me feel whole.  I fought so hard for it, with every bone in my body.  I have a hard time understanding why achieving it isn't enough, what more could I possibly need.  Its like my mind, body and heart is somehow not grateful enough and that makes me hate myself, that I'm some sort of spoiled brat needing more.

It's late and I need to hustle to get to work.  I'm exhausted.  I didnt' sleep well which will ruin me for the second half of my day. I have a date tonight and am praying the connection maintains itself, while half expecting it to implode.

Sigh.