The Road to Self Improvement

As mentioned in many blog posts, its in my nature to engage in self-hateration, the topic just changes from time to time.

Let's see, i no longer hate myself for not being smart enough, studious enough, exceptional enough, committed enough -- etc. the hateration from law school which expired once i left that toxic environment and finished my educational career (though there is potential for them to creep back at next job search)

And nowadays I don't hate on myself for my lack of language skills, i feel my level of Thai serves the need for communication i have in my current lifestyle and i still am learning as part a natural part of living and it helps facilitate me to feeling more at home in Thailand.

So what's left on the plate?

Here is the ironic part. I was anti-exercise or being health conscious when i was younger. I thought it was a part of my counter-culture nature. I rejected exercise and just another way to be obsessed with beauty, image and weight and I was demonstrating that I loved myself by NOT exercising, how's that for flipping it and reversing it. And there was a lot of feelings of inadequacy from when i was younger because i never had a real streak of atheleticism and my suckiness as sports had been a part of my self-hateration. So it was empowering to reject all of that.

Anyways -- I started to understood the merits of fitness when I traveled and wanted to live in remote villages and realized that i needed to keep my health in tact. And the only motivation that ever worked for me to use weight machines was fear I wouldn't be able to carry a bucket of water myself in the little Indian village.

And then it became a decent habit to have, just generally so, I became interested in yoga also, but never really got fully committed, i thought working out a few times a week was a good idea but the goal was just to show up and do something. And in law school, it became a great way just to enforce down time - to get away from studying to be committed to something extracurricular.

Exercise took on a new life when i got depressed, and it became about running. Running and yoga for mental happiness. I needed exercise to try to keep my mood and mental health in tact.

And in Thailand -- it started off with the same idea, mental health but it also became necessary because there was no natural exercise. But then with a few crushes and a growing sense of community, i started to go everyday, and for longer and longer and longer. It is fun. I enjoy the classes, and then the commitment started to grow to almost a level of addiction. But its excercise so its good for me?

But now, now i am worried. Because with the obsession with weight gain and loss in Asian culture (you've gotten fatter, thinner is a constant commentary) I am buying into it too! But its more than weight loss too, in my efforts to take care of myself, i.e. do some face treatments (microderm abrasion. laser) and hair treatments, I am now feeling beauty-obsessed. Whereas before i never cared about my physical flaws, feeling confident that my sum total was fine. So with all these efforts to take care of myself, do i care too much now if they are working. People in Thailand don't even think i am attractive because of my dark skin, so what's the point?