Poem from 1998

Someday in January

I look at the page in the book
all white and covered with black streaks;
my eyes sting, but I just continue to stare.
I gently rock back and forth in perfect rhythm with
the wild emotions rushing through my body.
I am locked in that motion.
I try to simply move my arm,
just to turn the page;
but lifting my limb has become
an insurmountable obstacle to overcome.
Curled up, I continue to rock, hugging my body,
while tears stream down my face, dampening my shirt.
The wet drops not granted the privilege to be wiped away.

But then The Force begins to grow,
causing me to run about my room,
in that same perfect rhythm, collecting my belongings.
Completely intent on leaving,
not knowing to where or how,
only that nothing is going to stop me.
My conscious mind tell me how pointless it is to pack,
how I'll just end up putting everything back;
but its voice turns into a whisper.
I just keep on moving faster and faster,
muttering the lyrics of a song as I feel its tempo begin to race,
the beat thumping harder, the bass becoming louder,
all becoming stronger,
Controlling my every movement.

I run but stumble down the stairs,
reach for the doorknob, and begin to turn.
Too frightened of the cold air, I depart to the kitchen
and frantically dial for her, only willing to speak to her;
half hoping she'd answer, and half hoping she wouldn't.
Her voice stalls my ambition, and lets time pass,
allowing him to come, him to get upset,
him to stop me.

So now, all I can do is sing in a shattered voice,
"Must leave, can't stay here, "
over and over.
I dig my face under my blanket,
not able to bear the sight of my surroundings
and realize that was all I would see.
to know I wasn't allowed -
I couldn't leave.
The agent choking my heart
now swims up through my lungs, into my vocal chords
and comes out like infantile crying.
The lack of hope remains that perhaps I can break out if it --
not the house, but The Force Field surrounding me
that caused me to depart my sound mind,
and become subject to the control of another.
As the realization sets in that the next day will bring no relief,
I retreat to my bed, my blankets, my pillows,
and bury myself in comfort.
I lull myself into a deep slumber
somewhat helping numb the screeching pain
that had infiltrated my body.