end of dawson's creek

when dawson's creek first aired - the show was perfectly age appropiate. the characters were in their sophmore year, I was in my junior. i totally thought the show sucked overall but watched it dutifully b/c i was a always the type to pledge faith to a tv schedule. they were supposed to be the anti-thesis of 90210, small town, no glam, sexually inhibited (except pacey of course) and way OVER-scripted. the drama had spouts of the more ridiculous drama other shows had resorted to because they ran out interesting storylines, abby's death, etcetra but mostly it was a much more in depth pontification on the self and intimate relationships of its central character and usually failed to keep viewers interested in any of the side stories the would insert to make life truly more dramatic rather than the true lives of teenagers which is just over-dramatized in their own eyes.

well, i kind of thought it was nonsense because my circle of friends WERE the type whose lives lived in that ridiculous dramatic, of drug-addicted parents, or sexual abuse or whatever -- i mean the range was wide but it included a flare for the truly dramatic. When I went to college, I becamed enamored with the love story between Pacey and Joey because I longed for such type of romance in my life at that time as well. And it was artfully and slowly constructed, in a much less obvious way than the original romance of Dawson and Joey... which was so sickenling obvious they couldn't make the tension last more than a half of the first season.

But in my adult years, beginning at 21, i became hooked on syndicaton of Dawson's creek. HOOKED. Over the past six years, I've watched the syndication avidly, every episode I ever missed, every episode I loved several times over and even the ones i never really likedin the first place. At any breathing moment, whether it was after graduation from college, or when I was studying for the LSAT, or my final semester of law school and studying for the bar, I watched with great anticipation.
Mostly for the moments of pacey and joey --- often fast forwarding through all others, but recently paying attention to their individual character developments and Jen's as well. And I am so insanely emotionally attached. TO these Dawson's Creek Characters. Its kind of inexplicable.

I had my very own Dawson's creek moment, about 4 years ago --- there was this man in South Africa. I have never in my life fallen so hard for someone so quickly. My emotions were totally out of control whenever he was around... it drove me crazy -- and after initially expressing interest he totally shut down on me... later because i learned that he was actively making sure that the extreme pull between the two of us would not occur. In the dark, I felt confused and rejected... as if my intuition had gone sour and I was on a path of self-destruction. And I remember this one moment, where i was sitting on the arm of his chair, talking about a school-related matter, staring at him -- and not listening at all but thinking to myself "loving is you enough." Pacey says those very words to Joey in the Series finale.

In a last moment of weakness, only a day or two before I set back for the United States, he confessed everything and for those glorious moments he was all mine. I remember holding on to him so tightly, more tightly than anyone I had ever known because I couldn't bear the thought of letting go. But he left and there was this awkward code of silence that I accepted until we met again during during the last moments at school during our student's field day. His warmth towards me only confused me more. Surrounded by children, there was no space to discuss whatever we shared, and I slipped him a 4 page handwritten note onto his desk which i will never be sure he ever got. But as I resolved that the rushed goodbye in the presence of 20 hugging children was enough, i got in the school van to be driven to the airport. My emotions at all time high in my life, the driver's mobile phone rang and he turned to me -- its for you. I was totally taken by surprise and there was his voice. He didn't even have a cellphone of his own, his had broken, but he had both found the privacy and borrowed phone to exchange our last words. I don't remember what he said, but i felt he was hanging on to every last word, reluctant to say good-bye. That's how I will always remember it. And then, I was at the airport --- and it was this COULD BE Dawson's Creek moment, where I turn the car around and run back to him and the children and vow to stay. But it wasn't.

We didn't keep in touch. He never responded to my letter. I entertained all sorts of explanations in my head as to why, some believing what we shared was so strong that he was so scared as to not want be emotionally vulnerable to something destined for failure. Other times, he probably thinks I am just this silly girl who got ridiculously caught up in a crush and couldn't let go.

I've never doubted that I loved him. In my heart, it was undeniable.
But I wouldn't even develop a roll of pictures with him in it because it hurt too much.
I've always been scared to ever face him again. And then the news finally came.
He's engaged. He's getting married next month. He is 35 afterall.

And my Dawson's Creek moment will never ever be. And i knew it never would but now its final. So its time to rewind back again.