Am I that committed?!

Hey Friends,

So I am feeling better... though better is relative. Attached is a picture of my new home... yes Furman Hall where on the sixth floor I live my life in the clinic space for the Immigrant Rights Clinic --- and now that my laptop is currently out of use (the motherboard fried), I am here ALL the time... and tonight as I waste endless hours on the internet instead of a) just going home cause its 10:30 and i have aspirations of getting up at 9am for class or b) actually working on one of the many things i have to do, i am asking myself, am i really that committed?!

My friend called me tonight, a Carolina friend who makes me feel like this whole complete person rather than this droid of a law school being, and I dropped whatever I intended to and had drinks... and now its late, and I think of all the ambition I have and wonder if I have the committment... a committment I was so sure of this summer, a committment that left me feeling bored and useless and hungry for something to accomplish... now I have these big daunting tasks ahead of me that make me want to crawl under my desk with a cup of hot cocoa and just go home and watch a Hindi Movie or something...

I have a real actual client, and the research I conduct to argue a hard claim, could make a difference for this person and its intimidating... and I am still in the process of building my confidence in researching and applying the law... and when I sit down to do the research... and I get into it..I lose the hours from beneath me.... and then I don't sleep... and I have rarely said no to stopping my work or friends for fun cause I can always make it all fit in.... and this time I am scared that I might have to.. cause though i can sacrifice sleep now and again.. I realized last week when i got sick, I can't make a habit out of it cause it definitely makes me less capable of maintaining my happiness admist the negativity i feel perveates law school.

And this paper i have... well its scholarly and sometimes i am not sure i am scholarly type... and its weird cause though we are in "academia" in law school.. we don't get any practice with this type of writing and work.. i mean AT all, so my first practice with it I feel like the stakes are high, this should be publishable and make a difference to my NGO and a contribution, however small to international law... its not an exercise just for the sake of exercise.. and sometimes I am completely clueless about how to go forward... and with the time pressures my mentors have i dont' really know who to ask who has the time to kinda guide me in the right direction....

and sometimes when I think i can just push out the whole world and focus... cause in my life I have been able to that... i realize that i still want things.. like the company of my friends.... like to unwind and watch a movie........and its hard to change my mindset of "not taking law school too seriously" which i had to do to offset the neuroses surrounding me last year... to "taking this work very seriously" and making sacrifices for it.

I guess its all a process -- I am extremely excited to be ENGAGED, i am extremely engaged with this work and being around practioners who are committed keeps me inspired and gives me a drive to give everything my all and try my best...

BUT there are times where i am not sure about the lifestyle... i am not sure about my stamina.. i am sort of waiting for there to be that moment where it all spins out of my control and i fail someone or something terribly... last year i embraced my mediocrity because it was safe... i didn't have to try hard cause i never cared that much and nothing naturally drove me that hard.... but i also didn't have to worry cause i knew i could get by, definitely by second semester, without a lot of concentrated effort. I mean the thing that broke me down was not being able to schedule getting my wisdom teeth pulled before i left for india - that was my biggest failure to myself, cause i couldn't schedule and multi-task that in.


I thrive under this type of stress... this is part of the process... this procastination.. this fear... just remind myself... this is not new terrain.... this is the exciting part of new challenges... and the work i am doing, if i can drive myself out of moments of inertia, the work does honestly and genuinely excite me...
its hard when there are counteracting forces in my life that make me feel depressed... like the lack of intimacy i sometimes feel with my friendships... or the overwhelming nature of a city like New York and anonymity that comes with it...

BUT i think the more i can committ myself to my work, and the more i produce, and further along i get, the happier i will be...