Law school is the Second Adolescence

I post this picture- this blurry view of the picture of me jumping off a bridge in Ecudor to remind me that I am not a robot droid of a law student who is characterized as "risk adverse" and well frankly becuase I kind of feel like juming off a bridge right now!

So I nearly complete with my first year of law school, the most "miserable and intense" year according to sources and the theme of my battle this year is a my fight to maintain a sense of myself. Why? Because law schools is like a second adolescence. Sure, in your twenties you have weekly existential crises abotu "what am I doing, was this the right choice, and I am going down the right path?" yada yada but generally you have pushed through first adolescence and perhaps beaten some of your ridiculous insecurities (i am pretty enough? am i smart enough? am I good enough?) and are pretty comfortable with yourself. Well thats what I thought! I mean i had even travlled and worked in places all over the world, some really remote, all by myself - so surely I had perspective and had my shit together. WRONG! Law school, the intense crazy pseudo-comeptitive culture of law school BREAKS you down, you question yourself, you absorb people's neuroses that aren't your own, you're entire perspective becomes warped by professional grooming.

People tell me I box myself in at law school, that I limit myself by saying "i don't want to be a lawyer" (which is true) "i am a people person" (meaning i am not a "legal writer or academic") I just want to get through, network,and get my JD - yada. They accept me not for my own experiences that I came in with or mentality but PROJECT attributes to me in accordance with what law school studenst prescribe. Meaning "you must be a type A personality to be here" or "of course you care about grades" or "you must be status seeking, or at least you have always been a super star."
And I start to be Like "AM I WHAT THESE PEOPLE SAY? SHOULD I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT? HOW COME I WAS ABLE TO SAY fuck it and DO WHAT I wanted in COLLEGE irregardless, but here I can't, I let the pressure undermine me?
Why? because law school isn' tlike undergrad, its like high school, because it is the second adolescence.

And what did I do during my first adolescence with the pressure to succeed?
Well 1) I was clinically and chronically depressed -- but I have won that battle and I am not going down that route again. and 2) I was a JUVENILLE DELINQUENT.
I rebelled! So I am doing it again! I am rebelling! I am not studying for my exams! I am sleepin in! I am stayin up late watchin TV and munchin!
The f-ed up part is I am almost 25, have complete autonomy and am only accountable to myself. so Rebelling is kinda dumb at the age. I could just drop out. I could just run away - hustle for some cash and deal with the consequences later.

Thats where my Asian conscience (sp?) comes in, oh and my drive. I do of course still want to engage in meaningful work and think that a higher level degree is a means to an end.

SO I rebel!! i REBEL compared to my fellow peers. I blow it all off!! I sit around and stare at the ceiling. I start my own blog!

I hate law school first semester because I encouraged myself to focus my attention on my academics and be disciplined and I hated it I hated it. I like intellecutal stimulations, sure, but not about the LAW the law is horrible! Second semester, I diversified my life, I became involved, and then studying here and there didnt seem so bad. But I ran myself down. One to many function, one too many leadership positions, too many committments. When finals time (reading period) I am exhausted. I thought i would step it up, and study study study but I DON'T CARE. I am not an academic person. Well I obviously am to some minimal degree to be at NYU law, but no more than that, I REFUSE to give in to the mentality of my peers and place importance on things that ARE NOT important to me.

My friend told me "its not that deep" Reena. He doesn't know that the zen requires over-analyzing. That in my chaotic bedroom in chaotic manhattan, with Chaotic people I got to find it. I got to explore myself. I got to do it to mantain who I am cause this is one culture - (law school culture) that I do not want to ASSIMILATE and cross boundaries into. I keep myself in my box, its my protective cage, its where i feel comfortable and happy :)