Depleted

Even though I want to journal, I haven't been able to force myself to do it.  I m not sure I have anything new to say.  Yes my life circumstances have changed since the last time I posted, I found a job that is seemingly squarely within my interests, with an organization that is affording me the autonomy that will hopefully avoid the type of interpersonal conflicts that ruined my ability to feel like I could truly succeed at my last two jobs.  But as I have desperately tried to do everything right, to make sure my life circumstances improved and not further deteriorate no matter how bad I was feeling internally, by exercising every day, by taking Spanish lessons, by volunteering, by diligently applying for jobs, by eating right and trying to save every penny, by finding the medical services I needed no matter what cost --- and then doing everything in power in my new environment to impress people, ingratiate myself, to pour my energy and heart into the project, to be productive, to learn the new terrain, to reach out, to speak in spanish and keep improving, to save money by staying with family and find a place to live that will be affordable,  ---- i am not sure any of my internal feelings have changed.  Every continuing hiccup, not having an office or workspace, mini breakdowns, mistakes in my health insurance plan, --- just seems to indicate to me that i can't seem to ever get ahead of the hardships life throws my way.  I feel weak.  Everyday I want to give up.  I feel like a failure and think I am on the tipping point of throwing everything I've worked so hard to put in place with the hope of a better future.  I've been so consumed with basic survival, that I haven't even been able to enjoy or fret about things that seem normal in the lives of other, dating, having a family, having a home, buying material items.   I fantasize about a time out from life - there is no such thing.  I feel no one actually sees the gravity of my suffering, i also fantasize about being so self destructive that the pain i feel would finally be visible to my friends, family, everyone.  But I know then my worsened life circumstances would really be my fault in that moment.   It's hard to feel like I am no further ahead in fighting the demons that haunted me in my adolescence, twenty years later.  People want to celebrate the interesting experiences I've had in my life, remind me that I am great person, but it does little to provide comfort or assurance to me.  I wonder if all of this is because I chose the legal profession.  Well, no point wishing I had made other decisions in my life, i must live with what i have - but all i want to do is lie on the floor, hiding under a blanket and wait for the perpetual storm to pass.