and the plot twist finally happens

so..... in 2004 I fell in love three times with three amazing people. Many of my friends were quick to dismiss my declaration of being in love as hasty, infatuation and thus not the real thing...

but i knew, even when i wanted to deny it at the time, that there was something that set these three people apart from my other long list of crushes, infatuations, fantasies, etcetera.

when someone asked me... why i ended up with one of the, one who was not really for the taking... i said simply and honestly "sometimes it is just un-stoppable"

For the past six years i have second guessed that statement even when in my heart of hearts i have always believed it. At times, i was grateful and relieved not to have to go through the emotional rollercoaster that thrust of force can put you on, at other times i felt desperate to experience that feeling again, to know immediately in that first moment that i was on a emotional crash course... and i became worried that maybe i'd never have another 2004.

Oh and how i've convinced myself I've been in love since then, i really wanted to be in love with some people... even when i knew that for me, trying at all meant it wasn't really right to begin with... sure i love a chase for the pleasure of the game, but love is a different story.

I thought ke'shawn, yes we seemed to have that chemistry but when months passed without the raw emotions rising to action, i told myself it was all wrong, if it was right, it would happen on its own and it would have happened already....

So here in 2010, after two years in Thailand and abandoning all hope that a prospect was a possibility here, even ready to entertain the idea of trying the normal notion of dating back in the US...

Here came in an instant, in one night the chemistry took us on a ride neither of us had remotely anticipated. And yes, we adopted the roles of boyfriend and girlfriend swiftly, without question, but its not the finally settling into this role that excites me, its having that magnetism again, that pulls you in so hard and fast that you can't control yourself.

But he is, by far the most suitable companion to date and i love being with him... And he danced on the stripper pole the night we met at a sex worker empowerment bar, a man alone with all crazy sex workers and NGO girls cheering... and its the passion he has for his work, work that has taken him across the world, and curiousity that he has for knowledge that makes him so worldly and unique, and its the way he celebrates my indian-ness and likes to stay up every night watching Hindi movies with me, and how he is the first person to inspire me to keep my room clean, and how he we tease and laugh and share sarcasm across cultures and how i am not embarrassed to introduce him to my friends because he's charming and friendly and sociable and how he tells me he wants to make me happy and he cares if he's late or he's annoying me or he's being too pushy and he takes responsibility for his actions and we can have fun and dance and drink and then we can talk politics until 3am and how he makes me feel okay to call someone my boyfriend and not scared and commitment phobic ...

I am not ready to call it love, and i am scared because the future reveals many question marks, for both of us, but i love the unstoppable magnetism that brings me joy and pain and makes me feel alive and have a renewed faith that life will keep surprising me.