Desirable

.... i don't know how to describe my feelings... i feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit them aloud. i am not lonely, in fact my life is incredibly full. my friends and co-workers are fantastic and i am pleased with the routine life i have for myself here in chiang mai. but there is this feeling.. i don't know to describe it, is it alienation? i don't crave a relationship, but i crave that sense of affirmation, that validation of my self-worth, that appreciation of who i am, that interest in who i am. i don't feel very desirable here. it makes me ashamed because it makes me feel like a weak woman, and also out of line of how I normally feel. People often don't believe that i am as independent as i am uninterested in the prospect of settling down. But that is not the desire here. the desire here is to be desirable, its a base feeling. its a need for attention. Part of it is feeling that with my dark indian skin, with my rambunctious personality, that with my high level degree -- the liklihood of Thai man ever being interested in me is slim... its a difficult cross cultural connection. But then its more than that, its feeling like I will always be "too much" for anyone, and that nothing short of re-inventing myself will make me less intimidating. But it also makes me feel misunderstood. Which I realize happens from time to time. But its misunderstood at the place a person doesn't have a reason or desire to understand.

And its awfully embarassing, because if i say it aloud i feel like people will jump to all the wrong conclusions... or maybe i am just scared that it might actually be lonliness... but i still don't think it is. My self-esteem is always something i struggle with, and if its not one shortcoming, i.e. academic, or bad skin or bad language skills, its another.