Pretty Wings

I have had a million of thoughts brewing in my head to try to understand my five week experience back in the United States – and I because it was far more of an action-packed hectic trip than I had anticipated, I had rare moments to make sense of what I was experiencing, and fear that anything I write will not capture the contradictory and evolving nature of my feelings.

When I live far away, I always have this idea that the familiarity of the USA will provide a comfort that sometimes I find lacking abroad. However, the newness of familiarity wears of incredibly quickly and my previous absence and future absence is quickly forgotten or of any interest. In certain arenas, I relish this ability to go back and relate and enjoy people’s company without being “exotified” for living in Thailand, without the questions or interest. With friends of 15 years plus, its nice just to always grow together and not play incessant “catch up,” it naturally happens without it being contrived. But in other settings, I feel alienated and neglected, as if no one recognizes or respects my alternate existence. I am not sure what dictates which end of the spectrum I fall at any given time, I think its largely when I feel like I am engaging in group talk that operates under an assumption of a certain conformity which I feel like I no longer fit in. My life is pretty normal in Thailand, I have a house, a regular job, and normal avenues for enjoyment, i.e. bars, eating out, hanging out… In that sense, there is not much of a cultural gap. But on the other hand, I have opted out of a clear career path, out of a search for a husband and considering “settling down,” buying a house, etcera.

With some friends, I feel confident in my educational and career accomplishments, and seem unworried about the future. I have a professional degree and have been admitted to the bar, from a fancy institution. With former law students, my old securities creep up on me about job security in my field and I feel I get trapped in figuring out a future route that is on the same “prestige” level despite my feelings that I am less qualified and want to have a more down to earth approach. Sometimes I feel like my lack of earning, despite my earning capcity, also means people view me as immature, as opting out of the true aim of a career, which is financial security. That is a sense I’ve always battled with my family, that they wil never respect me fully as a professional unless I am earning or in court or something.

With some friends, I feel proud of my swinging singlehood and divulge ridiculous tales that continue to entertain them and that reaffirms my sense that I am young a liberated woman, behaving in a manner exactly as I wish to. With other friends, I feel that my avoidance of committed relationships or interest in eventual marriage is somehow a sign of immaturity, of stunted growth, of a maladaptive behavior or just pure unluckiness. I don’t actually buy into it, but I get defensive and feel alienated… as if my choices are not my own, that I couldn’t possibly choose to just play the game the way I play, but either something wrong is with me, or I haven’t gotten “lucky yet.” This is the whole romantic comedy vision of the world that I firmly reject, but I hate feeling that people don’t respect the difference in lifestyles. I don’t judge people’s decisions to settle down with a life partner, why do I feel judged for not?

And sometimes I just missed my life in Chiang Mai, which for the first time for me in my adult life, it feels like I truly have a home, stability and routine that I enjoy and can revel in. So that sense of belonging that I assumed would be enhanced by being in the USA and being with friends of numerous years… was actually thwarted by my “visiting” status… I was displaced, moving from house to house, constantly exhausted by my social engagements… I needed space and autonomy, something that I value highly in my life… I always have, despite my nomadic ways. But it was a comforting feeling, because it meant it validated for me that Chiang Mai is no my home and my decision to stay was the right one.

But despite all these conflicting feelings, the overarching feeling I did have, was fun and enjoyment. I had a ton of fun! I think although these feelings exist, I can understand them , articulate them and acknowledge them, they also fade in the background. Maintaining my connections with people has always been a huge priority in my life for me, and something I truly enjoy and seek out. And all my friends celebrate different parts of me… whether it is forcing me to do a dance off with a Turkish breakdancer, or reveling in the juicy details of my crushes in Thailand, or discussing immigration policies --- maybe just watching America’s Next Best Dance Crew… I had a ton of fun. There is a culture that binds me with my friends in the states, although I think I have a fractured and schizophrenic personality, so I know I relate to different people at different levels, there is still a core Reena that people appreciate and respect deep down despite the inevitable differences we have. Different people get me in different ways, and I like it that,, I’ve always been a social butterfly, connected to people in a diverse number of ways, floating from one group to another… and I’ve not lost that. I just recognize the continue importance of the time I need to re-group, relax, and collect myself in my alone time, so I can feel confident in my values, my choices, and who I am. :0