I am extremely satisfied with my life narrative until now. I am ecstastic that I have had this phenomenal year in Thailand which has nurtured me from the pain of the previous year, providing me all the things that my life was previously bereft of --- a community, positive working relationships, balanced lifestyle,... so many things.
But as for my future direction, there are things about Thailand.. that I am not sure add up to a sustainable lifestyle for a long term. Overcoming the language barrier, the underlying racism and lack of resistance (borderline endorsement) to racism amongst the community, lack of swagger or game by men, ethno-national centric nature (lack of desire to travel, to see or know the world)... there are some things that I am not sure I could accept or adjust to.
Who knows? The insider/outsider phenomenon in my life is always challenging, and I realize now it means different things at different stages. Thailand is an extraordinarily easy place to be in the short-termn, but I forsee different unique challenges for the long-term. In India, the original challenge is intimidating but I am not sure how that re-shapes over a much longer time. And America, I am not ready to carve out a life that will not promise change and adventure over time.
I am scared of falling into a routine and sustainable lifestyle anywhere... because it feels like death --- that sounds strong, but what if that life is not the right one? how do you know when its right? do u ever really know what is right? what percentage right shoudl it be to stay with it? when and for what do you change and uproot yourself for?
I love EXPERIENCES, I enjoy experiences to the fullest, in the moment, but when I am committing for a long period to something, somewhere, or anything, I do ask myself, wouldn't something else be better? Or when is it time for change again?
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