dekhi lakh lakh pardesi girl
ain’t nobody like my desi girl
dekhi lakh lakh pardesi girl
sab toh soni n saadi desi girl
who’s the hottest girl in the world
my desi girl my desi girl
thumka lagaike she’ll rock your world
my desi girl my desi girl
that's my new jam from the movie dostana, with my hot man John Abhraham!
So I had a 10 day holiday in India, short but action-packed and came back to Thailand, which in itself was super strange, it really made realize that this is my home.. but had a stoppover in Bangkok for five days where I got really sick and was even further disorienting.
going back to india, opened up a door to family involvement and henceforth drama which has been nearly completely absent from my life since I arrived in Thailand. in one fabulous way, i was once again connected to all my roots and the things that comprise who I am - but in an awful way i was totally infantilized and felt like a child, and again the chess piece between warring sides of the family. i am as close to my two younger cousins now, who through my efforts in the past eight years have fully become my younger brother and sister, and it is truly a rewarding relationship. and in a totally unexpected way i even connected with another younger cousin of mine who because of the complex workings of my family and the distance - -- had all bit but estranged but who i know got to share in so many common interests and characteristics. i cherish my moments even at times when its taxing and exhausting in India, with no personal space and real autonomy, I am glad that i have reached this level of intimacy with my family and my home country.
i even trekked far back into my past, into the alternate universe where I lived in the rural village in India. This was my second trip back to my "second" family and although my stomach was in knots and nervous once again, it was an amazing time - and for all the kids who had grown up, as its been five years and kids grow fast, there were new little ones for me to play with. And with just a little time, the older ones warmed right back to me, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company and we reminsced and played and it was awesome.
After all my struggles in learning Thai in Thailand, as embarassed about my level after six months, I found myself back and forth with my Hindi as always. Initially, it was just such a relief to know i could communicate in the language there, to say the simple everyday things you need in life and to understand what was happening around me. In the village, i was forced to first of all recall that I also knew a different language Rajasthani when I lived there and also I had to think and respond only in Hindi and was shocked at my own aptitude. Back in Delhi I got self-conscious all over again and resorted to relying on my cousin and feeling shy about talking. I know my Hindi is not perfect but back in Thailand again, I recognize how much I do know and what an asset it was to learn it and be a part of India.
Ironically, when I was back in Bangkok, I attended some conferences and ran into old colleagues of mine when i interned for an Indian NGO. There it became abundantly clear to me, that my place is exactly where I am now, at a Thai NGO working with Burmese Migrant Workers. It is my passion and where I slowly become more and more of an "expert" (i use that world lightly). As much as I love India, and I feel an enormous sense of guilt for NOT workng here, considering I am Indian, I can communicate in Hindi, I could practice law there in English, etcetera... I also know that it isn't the time for me to be there right now. And even though, I may always be a foreigner in Thailand, and I may never have a great fluency in Thai and will never assimiliate to Shan, Burmese or Thai culture, it is a place I am happily a part of now and enjoy for my career. And even though I choose not to be in India, it doesn't make me less Desi, or less authentic with my connection to India.
I am still 100% Desi Girl, and just like the millions of Indian migrants around the world, and 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th generation, we can find a way to make a space for ourselves and still be part of our culture no matter where we are.
I feel fortunate to have the opportunities to enjoy and see and experience the world from so many different perspectives. And of course, I still recognize and remember the American part of me, and how proud I am of it, especially now with Barack Obama as president, the child of immigrants, a black man, president of the US, it still symbolizes a sense of hope for me, even if the administration will do many things my progressive politics don't agree with. And thank you America, for giving Slumdog Millionaire an oscar for best picture and for finally opening your eyes to the country which will also forever be my home.
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