weakness transformed

its no secret that i fell down pretty hard in the beginning of 2008. and it became a struggle all through the end of july. i am an amazingly functional depressive - crawling through the difficult motions to graduate law school and then to take the bar exam. through the whole period i felt i was only operating at 60-70% of my normal self, and i worried that my "normal self" was really an old version of myself that i would never know again. I believed that all my past accomplishments were relics of a person who thrived and exceeded in challenging situations and that i would forever be the weak liability i felt i had become.

from the moment i stepped foot on the flight to greece after taking the bar exam i have felt a renewed person, after confronting the truly intimidating fear of having to wear my history of personal struggle on my sleeve at all time from here on forward.... I got to shed all the angst - throw it in the trash can and forget. But that was for a one month holiday. and holidays are special. In thailand, however, my history has also been erased totally with a brief mention of how unhappy i previously was but no more details to provide.

the results of the bar have come out now and it has a significance for me that is hard to explain to others. yes, we NYU students start studying late, cram and then pass. each moment we are certain we will fail but all others around us remind us that we are destined to pass and tell us their faith in our abilities. its a cliche story that happens every year.

but it was different for me. i seriously did not internally decide to even take the exam until very late in the game. and during the largest period of my preparation period, i was an enormous mess, and consumed with all things other than the test and my energy levels were at a record low. i could not even care enough to mobilize myself to do anything -- I insulated myself from all the pressures of a normal life and of my peers. I didn't do any administrative tasks for myself, I didn't study, I didn't have any real responsibilities, as i stayed with my sister and did not even take on the mundane tasks of cooking, doing laundry etcetera. I stopped exercising.

but somehow i dealt with my shit. and at the end of the summer that was the most important outcome. and now with my passing, i can officially close that chapter of my life and also look back in bewilderment at myself and wonder how all that nagging feeling of weakness was truly kinda scaringly aweseome, because i accomplished what i needed to, without exerting much effort towards that task.

and its okay, cause i am more like my old self and i have my energy back and i can produce at levels previous to my normal self. i don't want to live a life where i am just functioning to stay at a competitive level of my peers. i want to enjoy my work and my life and take care of myself and it is not a weakness and i will never allow myself to view it like that again.