I don't speak Spanish!

I don't speak Spanish

And here is why:

1) I took French, like an idiot, in school - following the footsteps of my two older sisters, never learned how to speak AT ALL and never invested into bothering. I actually hate France as well and am fairly certain I won't end up in West Africa - though I am not ruling it out

2) I wanted to focus on Asia & Eastern Africa - I thought every white kid i know who does international work learned Spanish and travelled to Latin America and that was never my area of interest so I didn't need to learn Spanish. Better to learn Burmese.

3) I focused on Hindi. Learning Hindi for me was not just about being actually bilungual (well almost bilungual) but getting in touch with my roots. And I also didn't feel a need to cultural appropiate the whole Latina movement.

BUT THE REASONS ARE ALL DUMB DUMB DUMB. Before law school I had plans to move to Mexico and learn through emersions and classes but I chose a different route.

And it makes me self-concious, could i ever really do immigrant rights work here? Could I learn Spanish realistically at this age? If I tried my hardest would there still not be enough time or energy with focusing on school and career? If language is more than language and also culture - could I succesfully traverse those boundaries? Could i ever really relate to my clients?

After failing at French, I regained confident in my ability to learn languages from immersiions in Tanzania with kiswahili and immersions in India with Hindi but my mastery is far from even complete with those...

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable as an activist in the US cause i don't feel like I really belong -- not in the movement for blacks or for Latinas.. And i don't really claim to stand for immigrant rights because i am child of immigrants because my father came, at least partially from the professional class and my family was not driven from economic need but privelege. Yes, they started off with nothing here, my dad a taxi cab driver (totally stereotype) but that is not the world i grew up into. But I thought I felt a bit more comofrtable in this world....

I always want to feel close to the communities I serve. I am proud of my own heritage and am trying to use my privelege productively but sometimes I just feel like a perpetual outsider and I can't tell if it anything is the right fit for me.