So after my last post, I spent a lot of time considering options for the future that would break me free of the trap I am in, the trap of hopeless circumstances accompanied by cycling suicidal thoughts. Suicide seeming like the only viable promise for relief from the pain.
Then without any clear intention going in, conversations with one family member after the other led to the announcement of an executive decision. So many factors could trigger or exacerbate my mental illness --- is it NYC? is the weather? is it the practice of law? is it the non-profit sector? And the follow up question is the same. When was the last time you felt emotionally healthy and happy? Southeast Asia. While life in Southeast Asia comprised of a similar lifestyle as the U.S., 9-5 job, gym, eating out and getting drinks with friends, tv, books, etc. etc. the culture is different, the weather is different, people's relationship to work is different.
To resurrect my will to live, to really give myself a second chance of life, it was clear that I owed it to myself to try what had worked in the past. My time in Thailand was a particular moment in time, I was in my late 20s, I had a huge group of friends and colleagues, the organization culture was healthy, and the politics of my work were in a particular place in history. I know that it was magical because of the convergence of so many things that are hard to pinpoint, to explain, but things that I can't and won't be able to recapture.
So I have to shake it up. Try different things, have different expectations.
Then without any clear intention going in, conversations with one family member after the other led to the announcement of an executive decision. So many factors could trigger or exacerbate my mental illness --- is it NYC? is the weather? is it the practice of law? is it the non-profit sector? And the follow up question is the same. When was the last time you felt emotionally healthy and happy? Southeast Asia. While life in Southeast Asia comprised of a similar lifestyle as the U.S., 9-5 job, gym, eating out and getting drinks with friends, tv, books, etc. etc. the culture is different, the weather is different, people's relationship to work is different.
To resurrect my will to live, to really give myself a second chance of life, it was clear that I owed it to myself to try what had worked in the past. My time in Thailand was a particular moment in time, I was in my late 20s, I had a huge group of friends and colleagues, the organization culture was healthy, and the politics of my work were in a particular place in history. I know that it was magical because of the convergence of so many things that are hard to pinpoint, to explain, but things that I can't and won't be able to recapture.
So I have to shake it up. Try different things, have different expectations.
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