Wednesday, August 13, 2014

No More Letters

Okay in an effort to not write a letter --- but be able to have an avenue to share my thoughts...here I go:  I am in a difficult place where I am still trying to get to a place where i feel good about myself and my life, feel secure and stable.  Someone entered the picture, right when I was feeling my lowest, and has over the past couple of months been enormously positive, reminding me of my positive attributes and the effect I can have over people.  In turn, I, in my normal way of operating when I feel something for someone, anyone friend, or colleague, showered the person with appreciation, compliments, and a desire to fill their needs.  As a result of our almost daily communications, I started to feel emotionally invested in this "relationship" that was developing.  This person, he is in a complicated situation, leaving a relationship of 9 years, even though he feels like it has been over for several years.  The logistics of separating he tells me are very challenging and he doesn't want to hurt this person he at one time in his life, cared deeply about and continues to care about even if he doesn't want to be with her.

He's fine with us being in almost constant communication, but does not want to make the effort to see me in person in a timely manner.  I want to be understanding, but I also need to draw boundaries.  I used to have this philosophy that something is better than nothing.  A person who is somewhat positive in my life, who i feel connected to, is better than me being alone and meeting droves of people who I feel nothing for.  But I'm not scared of being alone, I've never been scared about being on my own.  In fact the only life I've known is being on my own.  My desire for greater intimacy means that taking it too a more emotional level is difficult for me -- but I am not sure that's what is happening here.

My feeling is that I must both be honest with myself about what my needs/desires are and also be willing to put them out there, no matter if i risk losing the "something" the positive of the situation.  I've learned that boundaries are a way of asserting your own self esteem.  Of valuing yourself.  And I need to have enough respect for myself, value the person that I am, believe in myself and my own positive attributes, that I do not fear that communicating needs, particularly reasonable  ones, like seeing each other on a regular basis will drive someone away.  Because sometimes nothing is better than something.  I remember telling one of my close Thai friends, that if she kept trying to be cool and casual with these white backpackers, none of them would turn around and ask her on a date and be her boyfriend which is what she actually wanted.  You've got to put out to the world what you want, in order to get it and stop wasting time getting someone who is not in the right frame of mind to begin with, to intuitively meet your needs.  High maintenance girls are unapologetic about their high maintenance ways, and they are very successful in relationships.

I do like the fact that I am an understanding and accommodating person.  But at the point that that requires me to wholly sacrifice my desires, i must draw a line.  And the person can be in my life, but in a smaller role, as a fling or whatever, we can connect, but not in the deeper way.  We haven't gone so far down the line that we can't step back to something simpler.

Its kind of the same as in my workplace.  My former boss and previous workplace, made me feel like nothing.  So much so that I didn't feel really entitled to have my basic needs met at my new job, like a workable office space.  But I had to recognize my worth as a lawyer and employee to set forward my demands, even if it meant risking my job again.

I really need to get to a place where I think highly enough of myself where I deserve better treatment and respect from the world.  Only I can control that.  No one can do that for me.

And lets be honest.  I am in a place where I am still learning how to regulate my emotions.  And it probably doesn't make sense for me to be having intense emotions about a situation that is unreliable right now.  

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration

-same anon from Depleted