Benchmark

so i've spoken about my conflicting sides, my predilection for spontaneity and chaos against my need to organize, compartmentalize and analyze the things in my life. although i generally have no idea what the date is, what time it is, or what day of the week... I do love to engage in the exercise of reviewing how i've spent my time, what did each month represent in my life, and celebrating bizarre anniversaries in my life and assessing the change over time.

I am excited about the upcoming 2 year anniversary of taking the bar exam... I contemplate a lot about my life as a professional. Given that there was a two month period where my personal life devolved into juvenile stupidity, sometimes even remembering that I am hardworking professional is a surprise to me. I work in a both relaxed and busy environment, but without all that american lawyerly competition of who is more stressed out and working harder and feeling self important.

My escape from the elitist professional world that I hold a membership card to is exactly what i wanted for myself. And the fact that I am excited about the idea of litigating in the future, isn't a revelation of belonging and a need to return to that world, in fact i know i am an outcast there. But its about taking on a personal challenge to pursue a passion I have while maintaining having faith that I've gained the ability to face and stay strong against the negative aspects of it.

But somewhere in the midst of enjoying the down to earth life I have in Chiang Mai and I have also led myself to believe that I am not really applying myself or furthering my skills in my field. I am an NGO worker contributing to the NGO work as an intelligent hardworking person, but not as a lawyer. A distinction that i am happy to discard most of the time, but which also keeps me feeling like that i am "not" a real lawyer and have no "real skills."

But you know i have a lot to be proud of from my work over the past two years. Thailand isn't just a vacation or escape from the real lawyering world. I don't question the value in performing my work, i just question the professionalism of it all sometimes, the quality of what I produce. But lately i've gotten to step back and really appreciate the complexity and skills that it takes to be in my position and that I have grown and learned a lot in my time here, even if its hard to qualify and doesn't seem impressive in a summary sentence on my resume.

I am glad that in coming here, i decided not to care about prestige or what is the best for my career or etc.. and just to follow my passion, but its a mistake not to recognize the competency i've gained just because its happened through unconventional means and wasn't the aim of my work. Before you have a real job, the aim of internships are more self-improvement and skill gaining and i let that go when i came here post-graduation, let it go that what i was doing now was leading me to my next step. But that doesn't mean I didn't grow and learn and improve even if it wasn't what i was focused on.

And there is no need for me to downplay my accomplishments either to make others feel more comfortable around me or to assure myself that I am not the typical person in the field. I know as a backlash from the over-emphasis of "accomplishments" in law school, my reaction has been to underwrite it, but that's not fair to me to deny myself of the hard work and ambition i do have in my life. Frankly i shoudl be proud of myself and not be ashamed to share that side of me with the world.

Honestly, I think it boils down to feeling confident about myself as a professional. In my bull headed way - rebellious teenager way, my reaction to feeling inadequate is to reject the standards and system that makes me feel that way. To say I do things my own way and blaze my own path. I might not be good enough to get the Skadden fellowship but it makes more sense for me to be an NGO worker abroad anyhow, because that is who I am. But honestly, I am competent to do a wide variety of work, and I should recognize and appreciate and be confident about it.