Happiness

its a wonderful thing. i cherish every moment of it everyday. sometimes i worry about the day when it will stop again but really i just love each moment i have it now.

sometimes it had to be that bad to be this good.

and the happiness its washing away all the previous misery... its all a distant memory.

you know - i was right, i was right the whole time when i expected more from people, when i wanted more for myself, when i felt alienated and alone. i wasn't crazy. i was not crazy. i cannot say it enough because i take such great comfort in the fact that i was not crazy that whole time. i really lost a sense of myself and its a joy and gift to have it back. yes, have it back - i had it before, it was gone and now i have it back. i blamed myself for not adjusting better to my surroundings. but really all i had to do was leave.

and the way i feel, its been strong for 5.5. months. its real. the happiness is real. and its mine. i smile when i am alone. i look forward to every moment.

and i have faith. i have faith that if tomorrow it all turns sour, i can find my way back in the future. renewing that faith especially at this juncture in my adulthood ----- where i no longer have to worry that getting older means learning to let go of the lifestyle that brought the excitement and enjoyment and that is part of what nurtures my happiness--- renewing that faith now... is a relief.

i go my own way, i set my own rules and i rejoice in my experiences in my own unique way.
whether it be my sexual behavior, career path, or self-presentation.
and i have nothing left to defend or prove to anyone.
and dammit i am proud of myself.
and happy.