So, its a strange world, where I have had the money and agency to buy many new material items: new computer, digital camera, cellphone, motorbike,TV, DVD player... just to name a few... I had a brief bout of insomnia as I realized that ever since the bar exam I've been doing enormouse spending.
NY is expensive, but I had strict rules against materialism that I abided by --- I successfully got rid of my desire for retail therapy and waited patiently to buy all new clothes until I made it to India. Ryan and I refused to invest any money into our shabby BK apartment, and I made toiletries and cleaning materials last for years. I only paid for two drinks whenever i went out and restricted cab rides to a few drunken late night rides a month. Food was my only downfall, i tried to cook and scheme free food at NYU, but I did eat out, even if I wasn't throwing down for fancy meals.
In Thailand, I am going back & forth from celebrating my first real salary (woo hoo!), using my dollars to invest in items that are cheaper in Thai Baht, (i.e. glasses, contacts), and wanting to save my precious dollars & live at a level not to far above my colleagues as the only foreigner. My normal downfall of food is not a problem here, because its so cheap and everyone eats out all the time. But my colleagues, are Asian and they want to know -- ow much rent do i pay? how much was my motorbike? how much is that new outifit? After my long time in india i realized that this is a normal part of my own family's ways and that I shouldn't bring the American indignance of privacy into this world. I am a foreigner --- I can't change that. I enjoy my bouts of spending in the moment but then also wallow in guilt about it afterwards. Its usually a ping pong effect. (My family's voice rings in my head as well).
AND THEN IT HAPPENS. I break something, I lose something, I do something careless. A part of me has learned to shrug this off, as it is the unfortunate byproduct of my charming easygoign personality (right?!) but the last three years has made me internalize it as an enormous personal failure. Law school is all about the details, a minor mistake can be catastrophic - so I had to train myself to PAY ATTENTION to the details, be wary and care a lot more than i ever had. And for three years I was also surrounded by my family, and I love my sisters but they are both perfectionist, control freaks --- they have been lecturing me about my oblivious & forgetful ways my whole life and freak out if they ever make a mistake in their own lives and have similar heart attacks when I do something wrong.
So my brand new phone broke. Its only one month old. LG says its the LCD screen and has to be a product of my misuse. I do not remember dropping or breaking it and I FOUGHT HARD to claim it was a defect, but the thai-english barrier doesn't help. So i had to buy another phone. Not terrible, right? my new phone is about $30. But here it goes.. the downward spiral of guilt for over-spending and the personal failure that I broke my phone.
Isn't it ridiuclous? And the funniest part, I sincerely begin to feel like a failure in all parts of my life. I am happy and something this stupid could throw me off for a moment. Big challenges, big obstacles & adjustments I can withstand, no problem. (well except law school). But this one thing... throws me down the nasty road of self doubt.
So below is a paper I wrote --- on a ferry in Greece, not this past year, but five years ago when I skipped my college graduation and went on holiday with my sisters. I made an entire life plan, things I wanted to do scratched all over.... and the scary part is that I've done them--- almost all of them. In fact, I've done so many things, I don't really have a new list of things I want to do in my life anymore. And then I realize that I am not a failure - and that its okay and I should let my easygoing side prevail and letitigo.
I am happy because I was able to let almost all the misery of the past three years go. Once in awhile i just have to remind myself its a process and I am still letting-it-all-go.
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