corners

it used to be that in months of three
something terrible would happen
the divorce, the emergency room, the fire, the relapse,
the death of a friend
and i carried with me a sense of a curse
only cured by the chaos chased in dangerous locations

i enter this room with walls padded on all sides
first year, just get through
second year, keep breathing & working
third year, just just just finish
you paid a hefty $100,000 & it will pay off.

nothing too bad, nothing too good
sometimes i haven't felt alive
now the real future approaches
and i chase corners waiting for the good
to be right around
but there's been no bad to run away from
why should i deserve the good
do i deserve anything?

and i run, and i try and i wait
and i run, and i try and i wait
and i get tired
disillusionment awaits
no curse, but no hope either

perhaps i need god
a source of faith
a faith in fate
a reason to try

cause i like to laugh and smile
and i've never been convinced that this pursuit
is making me laugh and smile
or will
but tell me this pursuit isn't a life
this pursuit doesn't define me

just don't tell me again
that its all up to me.